lights of life.

by M. A. Hetussa 7 months ago in heartbreak

"Made up of tiny orbs, it holds the lives of millions..."

lights of life.

Standing. Silent and still, I take a deep breath, inhaling right down to the bottom of my lungs. The fresh late-night/early-morning air rejuvenates my tired mind and awakens me once more.

I feel at home, as I stand here and observe the city below me, moving at a pace different to my own.

I am silent, and I observe.

Looking up, I study the lights present in the skyline of the city that has been my home for so many years, the skyline view that soon will belong to another municipality. Made up of tiny orbs, it holds the lives of millions, each light encapsulating a moment in time occurring somewhere, for someone.

Every moment differing from the next, though existing together still. Even the headlights of the cars speeding along the highway hold within them memories that have yet to be either remembered or forgotten.

Once the lights go out on earth, they may remain in our souls, to flicker on until we retire to our final resting place. If that time is forgotten, we still hold it within us, but dimmed. Sometimes I wish we could retrieve those that have diminished; I know there are experiences I have lost, that I once cherished.

I do not choose what gets left behind. Because of choices I have made in my past, many of my bulbs are broken, most are low, and almost all are wired wrong. What I remember and how I recall, is not correct. I live in a world that I do not recognize most of the time, and what I replay in my head does not often match the reality it came from.

Unfortunate as it may seem, it is normal to me.

Painful as it may be, I am numb to it.

Hard as I used to find it, it is now all I know.

Sometimes, I can feel the light of others, I can feel them within me. My mind will flicker onto someone, randomly, at the most unannounced of occasions, and I feel my soul vibrate.

Mutual thought has travelled along the connection of our beings, shaking us awake to remember each other once more.

Occasionally, my soul vibrates with unease, or extreme pain. It causes me to erupt into tears, it burrows through all positivity and vaporizes any optimism – happening with no warning or ability to counteract. And, it is in these moments, I know someone I am connected to is hurting.

Immediately, I make my rounds; I will check on all the souls I hold dear to me. I will care for and nurture the lights of my life, feeding their energy until they are healed and bright with the light of a thousand suns.

For, without them, my world is dark.

The lights of my being are dim, low and broken.

I take care of the lights of others, so I may see my way forward.

In life, we can only hope for a bright future, whether that be solely on our own merit, or within the company of those we admire and cherish. Whatever the case, we must make-do with what we are given, and the choices we make.

I do not regret my past, nor do I let it deter me from my future.

I am in a moment of rewiring.

It may be dark now, but my journey is getting brighter by the second.

And one day, it will be blinding.

heartbreak
M. A. Hetussa
M. A. Hetussa
Read next: Poem: New Life
M. A. Hetussa

"Globally minded, artistically grounded, she writes. And when she breaks, words flow from the cracks in her soul."

- Raising funds for my book, expected early 2021!

See all posts by M. A. Hetussa