It’s Not My Fault

It’s Not My Fault

When I was in 5th grade

He asked me to feel my breasts

“To see how good they are.”

I thought it was my fault

For asking my mom to buy me

A padded bra.

When I was in 7th grade

He shoved his tongue in my mouth

In front of his friends because

They had all had their first kiss and he hadn’t.

I thought it was my fault for telling him

A few days back that I wanted

Him to be my first kiss.

When I was in 10th grade

He broke up with me and started dating

Her the next day.

I thought it was my fault

For not sending nudes the night before.

A year out of high school

He had sex with me while

I was unconscious.

I thought it was my fault

For inviting him over after I took Xanax.

A year after that I went to his dorm for a party,

He tried to get me drunk then forced himself on me

And didn’t let me leave without an emergency call from a friend.

I thought it was my fault

For driving 45 minutes to see someone

I had never met before.

6 months after that I was offered a job,

He took me into the stairwell and

Told me to suck his dick if I wanted the job.

I thought it was my fault

For meeting him at a hotel because he said

He was traveling and only in town for today.

That night I went to his house

Searching for comfort but instead

He told me this keeps happening

So it’s got to be my fault.

6 months later it was my birthday.

I invited him and he got in our car after

Forcing himself on me then gloating about the event.

I thought it was my fault

for not saying “No” loud enough,

or more than the 4 times that I did.

A year later I met someone

Who would never do any of these things to me.

But when he found out about my rape,

He said he didn’t understand

How I couldn’t say No loud enough.

He said how could I remember some things

But not all.

He got angry at me and upset at me

And not my rapist that

He still works with.

He made me feel like it was my fault

All over again.

It’s not my fault.

None of these were my fault.

I will continue to say this

Until I realize

It’s not my fault.