Shadows creep in. Cold fear mingles with warm anguish. Tears stain the pillowcase, and I feel small. I feel so utterly alone. My limbs ache from the beating, newborn bruises shoot adrenaline through my system and I wail and nobody hears me. Nobody is listening for me. Nobody else would come to save me.
And so I do the one thing I can. The one thing that gets me through these terrified, abused nights. The one thing that makes me feel a little less alone.
"it can't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
Your tears won't fall forever."
I cry and I sing, the same phrase over and over, through this night I've lived over and over. And somehow, eventually, I fall asleep.
It Can't Rain All The Time by Jane Siberry
This song got me through nights when I wanted to die. Nights when my heart was imploding in on itself, where the marks left from beatings were nothing compared to the waves of pain that ripple through you when you live with your abuser, when your abuser is the one person who is supposed to love and protect you unconditionally.
The one thing that kept me going, was this promise: Now isn't forever.
One day, it will get better,
and it did.
It wasn't easy, but it did.
My childhood feels like a distant nightmare. I do still get the flashes of vivid memories. I do still deal with the aftermath. But I found this light, this broken beauty on the other side.
This song became a part of my soul, a part of who I am. It, in essence, is one of the reasons I live and I encourage others to do the same,
because pain is, and always will be, temporary.
You will smile again.
You will laugh again.
As long as you keep going.
It can't rain all the time.