is it over?

Is it over?

Is my life over?

As crazy as it may sound, I’ve been thinking about this recently. I just turned 28, and I’ve been thinking, is this it?

Even sitting down to write this, whatever this may become, was a challenge because I have a lot in me.

I have a lot in me. I have a lot in me. I have a lot in me.

I have a lot in me and some of it conflicts with the rest.

So, when I sit down to write, I think, ‘what dimension should I access today?’ The one most accessible? The one least? The wheel squeaking the loudest or the one hardest to hear?

I often project out of my actual life and into my own dream world where things flow freely like the thoughts in my brain and the words on this page. In that world, there is nothing to do and there is nothing to care for. So clearly, that world is not reality because here on Earth, I have things to do and things to care for.

I have an open channel to a myriad of worlds and they all feel different. They all have a different undertone. I’ve often mistaken some of these worlds as my “future reality,” and sometimes that scares me.

The truth is they are. They are potential realities. I could experience those worlds playing out in my life if I wanted.

The other truth is that the harm does not come in them being potential realities…it comes when I project and play them out in my head. The harm comes when my eyes are open, but my heart is closed. I’m here, but I’m not.

Let’s explore just two of the worlds accessible right now:

One world feels like I could move the entire planet as long as I had a lever capable. I like it here…it feels like honey; like an iced tea at the pool on a friday in the summer. I feel sexy and confident and like my aura cleanses anything it comes into contact with. If my attention is focused upon it, it will be gold. I like what I’m wearing because what I’m wearing speaks to you. It pulls you in and says I’m here, right here, right now and nowhere else. Honey, ochre, sweet and smooth, focused, clear, clean, cool blue skies—gold in my eyes, love on my mind. Honey.

Another world feels like I’m one shard of glass in a room full of shattered mirrors. Like something destructive happened...nothing specific but destructive in nature. All of the mirrors shattered--not one left whole. The worst part isn’t that I’m only one small shard of glass—it’s that even when I’m whole, I am only a reflection and nothing more. I don’t have my own color… I will be what you want me to be but nothing more. I am what you see but nothing more. Small, stuck, lonely dirt road to an empty oasis with nothing but a shard of glass waiting for me. Anything you want me to be but nothing more. Shattered.

So, with a world that feels like Honey and a world that feels Shattered, I’m left with the question:

What’s next?

What is my next step? I ask because I will not be this focused-on-self forever. I will not be diving so deeply into myself so often, so frequently, forever. I’m just not there yet. My foundation is flawed and a King can’t build his castle on a foundation that’s flawed. My paradigm is shifting and I’m not content with this one. I have to keep working. I have to keep writing.

So, what’s my next step?

Something tells me the answer is not to choose one world over the other, because rejection never feels restorative. Something tells me to let them both b r e a t h e. Now, in the perfect world, I would choose Honey and suppress Shattered, but even that feels like hell. Suppressing the darkest parts of me feels worse than living them.

So...what’s my next step?

Let them breathe. Let them breathe. Let them breathe. Zoom out and let them breathe.

Do you have conflicting worlds that live inside of you? One telling you to go one way and the other telling you not to?

Let them breathe. Let them breathe. Let them breathe.

Do you hold confidence and chaos? Restlessness and repose?

Here’s a thought...Let them both breathe.

See, we are human and being human gives us the ability to hold multitudes. This or that becomes this and that. We aren’t just running on instinct anymore and intuition can be cloudy, so rest in the solace that all of the worlds can and do live inside of you. You can feel multiple feelings at the same time. You can hold it all and still be you.

No identity crisis necessary for you are not the worlds that live inside of you. You are (period).

And when I zoom all the way out into orbit, I see a beautiful blue and green planet, and I see humans that live on this planet that have the ability to hold many emotions and still have the energy to go about their daily lives. They harness the ability to love their daughter the same day they lose their mother.

This, to me, is phenomenal and it reminds me that the worlds living inside of me are just worlds...nothing more.

And this, to me, allows my mind to rest.

My hope is that these words reach you right when you need them. They carry a certain energy signature that you can’t miss...so let these words sink deep into your self and sit quietly knowing you are right here and right now.

Zoom out and let them breathe.

Zoom out and let you be.

--ricky

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