Invisibility Spells.

Music in my ears.

Nothing focused in my eyes.

I was born with it.

This is the way I’ve always felt: not quite there. I’m not a part of this crowd or those people. I don’t belong in this house or that school.

I belong nowhere.

I used to stay up at night, crying, longing, and wondering.

Wondering why this was my life and wondering why no one saw me.

What were these things I felt? Was I really alone?

I saw love and I think I even felt it. I watched it blossom and grow right before my very eyes.

She loves me. She loved me. She does love me.

I would write letters to myself, wondering why I had to be me. If everyone else got to choose, why did I have to be with myself. I didn’t want to be.

I longed to be someone else.

To have another’s face, another’s laugh, another’s life.

Why was mine so unfulfilling? Why did only I, feel the need to die?

She’s telling me that I’m alright. She loves me so much and she’ll always be by my side.

I know this. I know it’s true. But still, at night I will cry.

In the morning, I will cry.

In the bathroom.

Next to that bed.

In that classroom.

Around all of those smiling people.

I will cry.

Why am I so sad for my life? It is not a bad one.

It is filled with joy and sorrow. Laughter and tears.

So is everybody else’s.

I felt I was born invisible. I was seen, but not in the ways that I needed to be.

I grew to accept this, it became comfortable and expected.

There were no more problems, except for when there were.

I try to exit this found place of comfort, but I cannot exist there.

I start to panic and I cannot function.

I freeze up and I say things that I don’t mean.

People look at me like I’m bad.

They walk around me as though I’m a monster.

Like I’ve hurt them.

Really I’ve just tried to come back to them. To come back to me.

I do not want to only exist in this place where I am not.

I want to be with everyone else and I want to live my life.

This is what I say.

What do I feel?

What is true?

I watch people happy and I feel so ecstatic.

I become happy and I see them filled to the brim with joy for me.

Joy overflowing.

But I’m careful not to get too comfortable, because the longer this lasts, the harder it is when it is ripped away.

I’m taken back to that nowhere place where I cannot exist.

I am kept there for a while before I’m able to return.

But I cannot control my actions when I’m taken to that nowhere place.

So I hurt people.

Unintentionally.

So I work on fixing it when I return, but then that’s all I have time to do before I’m taken again.

I’m scared of what will happen when I can no longer fix things. When I can no longer clean up the messes that I did not mean to make.

After all, they’re only human.

There’s only so much they can take.

I will keep using my invisibility spells - I think they are gifts.

If I am not here, I cannot hurt.

If I cannot hurt, joy can live.

And if joy can live, then I can someday learn to live with her too.

I just hope that this someday comes soon.