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In The Void

by Casey Promise Thompson 9 months ago in sad poetry · updated 9 months ago
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A perspective from depression

Art by Casey Promise Thompson

Biding my time to pull myself up,

out of the twisted percale cotton sheets.

My body curled and hands tucked.

The sun screaming through my eyelids.

I ask myself for another hour,

but my spinning mind demands a “NO”.

So I untangle my legs from the down.

Stretching out my calves and toes.

Raising up my arms high up to the ceiling.

Not a moment too soon,

the echo of my wife’s footsteps,

slither sideways and up the stairs.

She’s doing her morning lifts or yoga.

I just lie there on my back.

Eyes dry and crusty.

I ponder the day still in a haze.

Fighting the hangover of little sleep.

The deep tension in my throat.

Another day to face alone.

Always alone…

I won’t get up and dressed for work,

for I hold no job.

Not that I chose my disease,

but I hate myself for it.

My wife….

My loved ones carry all the burdens,

like a lighthouse in the dark.

Only to feel so exhausted….

when my beaten ship keeps crashing into their shores.

My words can’t truly explain the way,

I lost myself in the crowd.

My mind stepping off and into self-loathing.

My body dealing with the repercussions.

The physical consequences.

I don’t wish for happiness,

only contentment.

I awake every day saying-

“Turn it off please.”

For my mind and the skin I reside in,

can’t stand tall and strong.

Not right now.

If only I could sing this in major keys,

but the minors are all that can be heard.

I am not okay today.

I think I disappeared a long time ago.

There’s a rhythm to pain and depression.

I spend so much time yearning for peace.

The me that was to exist without trauma.

Maybe I’ll always be looking for someone else.

It never came to pass, those dreams I held dear.

An existential and perpetual state of the unfamiliar.

Constantly searching the landscape…..

For the little girl I was.

For the woman that could have been.

I roll out of bed and hold onto the dresser.

My body aching and mind drizzling,

with thoughts always with my failures.

And the voices that say….

“Lock all the doors.”

“Shut all the windows.”

“No one wants to see you this way.”

The wanting of a different body.

It swallows me whole.

Depression.

Disease.

Pain.

Disability.

Art by Casey Promise Thompson

Dear Universe, I trusted in you…

And you left me with only shadows.

A mere silhouette of the person I’d hoped to be.

The human I yearn for.

My body like a smokey stain on the world.

And all those around me.

It’s not fair to anyone anymore.

So I never let anyone close.

I wanna go back to my past.

To demand myself to love.

Love me.

Love yourself.

I want to scream at the hollow dome….

that was my mother.

The shell I wanted to crack.

The person who couldn’t love me back.

But she never left the light on.

And I could never find her…

The woman I hoped she could be.

Now the years of her self-hatred…

Are now my own self-infliction.

I dreamed that when she finally passed.

And that? She did.

She’d help us get back to where we belong.

That her spirit would guide us out of the woods.

Use some mysterious force of energy to heal me.

But I now know….that’s not how life or death works.

I hear the birds singing their songs.

And part of me hates them.

Jealous that they don’t have to feel carried away by guilt,

…..only the wind

Though my mind is trapped in this deep well.

And I can’t see a way out.

Tomorrow will be better.

Maybe even a few hours from now.

I never stay here, not endlessly…

I know there is light up there.

I know I’ll make my way up and out,

if only for a moment.

But, it’s not voluntarily…

I want to be more than this.

If only I could be more than this.

If only.

Art by Casey Promise Thompson

sad poetry

About the author

Casey Promise Thompson

I’m a Visual Artist, Omnist, Wordsmith and Chronic Daydreamer. Most of my work is fictional/fantasy short stories and poetry. See more below:

www.CaseyPromise.com

Instagram: CaseyPromise.art

https://www.caseypromise.com/writings

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