If You Leave Me Now

by Jane Smith 4 months ago in heartbreak

Love kills

If You Leave Me Now

Dreams shattered in a moment

That feeling washed over me

Like I literally just died inside

That second changed everything

My life of happiness

Suddenly gone and now there is nothing

The pain in my heart is intense

My mind is paralysed

Thoughts just stop and the next second takes forever

I am in shock

My body and brain just existing in limbo

I want to die

My future no more

No you, no us, no babies

I want nothing else

Absolutely no point now

My life is pointless

Tears just flowing down my face

My eyes blank and empty

Life sucked out of me

I just want you to go

I shout for you to “get out”

I want you out so I can just curl up

So I can end this fucking stupid life of mine

The pain just too unbearable

I am nothing

I have nothing

I intend to do it quick

No need to make a plan

Just fucking slit my throat

Let the blood mix with my tears

Make a big bloody mess

Leave this life finally

The pain and the disappointment

The misery and atrocity

I hate it all anyway

Only you kept me going

Our plans and our dreams

Made me want to live

Made all the shit worth it

I thought everything would be ok because I finally found you

I thought you was my purpose

My reason for living

But actually, you are my reason to die

Oh, what an awful day

So long and drawn out

Suspicion and then lies

Still not the full truth

But enough to change everything

In a blink of the eye

When I tell you how I feel

(You keep insisting you want to know)

The first person ever I have dared tell

I can never usually speak these thoughts

Way too scary to say aloud

I tell you and it is hard

The words choke in my throat

You flinch and physically recoil

“why would you tell me that?”

The last straw on the camel’s back

My words

“If you leave me, I dont want to live”

Too much information

“I won’t do it” I say

“It’s only how I feel,

You dont need to worry

I won’t do anything ‘stupid’”

I have to apologise

To appease you

Even more reason to die I think

No-one understands me

Never have and never will

I am truely alone

I dont fit in

But I am here and I will live through this pain

I will not die a disaster

Make you feel blame

I intend to go out in a much more exciting way

One day

Not today

I will suffer another pointless day

I will survive on the outside

Play my part and try to stay forever grateful

For dreams at least!

Jane Smith
Jane Smith
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Jane Smith

I write my feelings, my secrets, my distress and my desires. All my stories are true. I have bipolar disorder so my life is like a thousand lives in one. Writing is therapy for me. I hope you enjoy my stories and poetry.

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