I'm Fine

It starts with the small things.

I brush it off and don’t want to think

About what’s coming.

Slowly but surely it gets worse.

It feels like I’m writing a movie,

But have no control over the ending.

First is my sleep schedule.

I stay up until 3 AM only to get up at 6

With what feels like a full night’s sleep.

I eat everything in sight…everything.

I might sound disinterested and zone out,

But it's cause my mind is somewhere far away.

Certain conversations, people, and eye contact

Are avoided like they’re plague.

I push people away, it’s what I’m good at.

It’s not Halloween, but I’m wearing a mask.

I socialize because that’s what we do.

It’s what we have to do, right?

My act gets harder and harder to put on.

12 hours of slumber isn’t enough.

Force feeding myself because it’s been

Over 24 hours since my last meal.

The simple tasks get too tiring,

2 to 3 naps a day become a necessity.

The gym? No longer an escape.

Sunday dinner with the fam?

“I’ll make it next week.”

Sadness creeps in and becomes

My best friend. My only friend.

My mood swings back and forth

Like a little kid on a swing at the park.

Nonstop chatter turns to no convo.

I get quiet and fill up with I don’t knows.

I don’t know a lot or really care.

I’ll talk, but no more than 5 words.

The thought of more will come to mind,

But the words never leave my mouth.

My brain is out of service.

It feels like I miss someone,

A person I’ve never met.

Like I need someone,

Who doesn’t need me.

I want to feel happy,

But I don’t know how.

I want to get better and I do,

After some time I take 3 steps back.

I smile, but I’m not really happy.

I talk, but I’m not really saying anything.

I laugh, but I don’t find it funny.

I cry, but it doesn’t mean anything.

I’m alive, but I’m not really living.

I’m fine.