I'm Broken, Help Me

He was my sun and my moon. My world. My existence.

I need you to understand.

He spoke sweet words smooth as silk. Lied to my face and didn't think twice about it.

So I need you to understand.

He gave me attention when he felt like it. He made me feel insecure and insignificant.

I need you to understand.

He manipulated me. He made me turn against others. He held all of me in the palm of his hand.

I need you to try and understand.

He was my first. I let him in my darkest corners. Shared every single detail of my life.

So I need you to understand.

He used my weaknesses against me. Hurt me. Put me down. Made me feel like I was stupid.

I need you to understand.

That when something upsets me, I have a hard time trying to explain myself and I just go quiet. It is my defense mechanism, my heart trying to protect me.

That I do not have these mood swings and episodes to frustrate you, but the blow ups were my only way of getting any reaction.

That when I cry and I curl up into a ball, it is because I try to make myself disappear to hide from the confrontation.

That I starve for your time and attention because I was not a priority.

That I constantly need reassurance that you want me, and that you do love me, because I was always reminded that I could be cut off at any time for someone better.

That I have a hard time believing that I deserve any good because I think I deserve nothing.

That I constantly am overthinking because it didn't matter what I said or did, I was always wrong and messed everything up.

That I crave your physical touch because it is sweet and soft, not quick and emotionless.

That I am damaged goods, and even though it has been two years, I still carry these memories and feel these scars.

So please, I need you to understand.