I have unlearned everything I was taught
And pieced it all back together.
It was awful; you should’ve seen all the dust hiding beneath the rug, all the hollow beetle shells and curled up spiders.
The burnt apologies, all the overused excuses and reasonings.
I have unlearned everything
Now I’m really set apart- now I really don’t belong.
There’s this longing I’ve always had, to be blinded by false truths- see what they see- to look out the window and watch the flowers bloom and the sky change color... but I watch the street, waiting for the tanks to roll through, stop before us and start shooting.
I’ve watched their bodies bleed out and desperately held everything in, while they looked up at me and said “I don’t feel a thing.”
This home... how many times has my heart broken over this home?
I drench the walls with the color of April Morning as if I can rehabilitate this home into something new; a place I can look forward to- it’s not working.
I find myself dreaming up a bed in empty parking lots, and I wonder if the security cameras will catch my grief.
Been trying to find safer places to sleep, the blankets in my room feel paper thin, and the pillows are flagstones... every creak and shudder sends lightening and thunder through my body.
I began sending out little smoke signals, hoping someone would find me, but they took the matches away and I’m running out of more subliminal and creative ways to deliver my message.
I’m afraid I’ll die this way - fighting for something that doesn’t want me back, fighting for a crystal clear truth...
My truth is their rumor.
I thought I was clever
Building an island with lasting supplies between four walls...
I’m not clever
I’m stupid like she used to say...
I keeping holding onto life by the thinnest thread - trying to breathe fresh air through the thickest, dirtiest smog.
I’ve screamed so loud I tasted blood, even bruised my hand after slamming it against the steering wheel so many times... it’s better than hitting myself like I used to.
Sometimes I really want to snap out of it, maybe a good smack would help.
I told God I can’t to do it anymore... he presses his head against mine, and says “Yes you can.”
I kicked him out...
I don’t believe him.
They say I need to move on...
but how does one move on when they keep having to deal with same thing every fucking day.
I have unlearned everything I was taught.
For that, I will be hated till the end of my days.
I have unlearned forgiveness,
I have unlearned love and life,
I have unlearned family.
I drew my finger through the sand so many times, even posted a sign that said “DO NOT CROSS!”
Yet, they dug a hole in the ground, six inches deep, threw me in and said, “Now you have a place to cry yourself to sleep.”
I have unlearned so much of what I was taught.
I’m tired of unlearning.
I want back the lessons that are familiar and golden... the lessons that are easy.
They’ve disappeared, evaporated... like they never existed at all.
Much like the old me... much like the girl who used to dance in her room, not listen at the door until the coast is clear.
Like the girl who saw a road as a way to get from point A to point B, not a girl longing to see how far that road can go and where it can take her.
I’ve never wanted to runaway, but that night I wanted to fill up my tank and just drive away as far as I could.
I wanted to find a different place... just for me.
I don’t know what I’d do there.
I honestly don’t know.
Not anymore.
I have unlearned everything.
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