I don’t know
I still spend my days drowning and trying to figure out why that is
there is sunlight shining in the window, some days i can’t open my eyes to see it but i know that it is there. things are different, things are always different. months go by and by the next i don’t know who i was within the last.
a very fluid identity, adapts to change easily but not well. and here i am staring out the window into the dark.
it’s mid october, there are glowing lights on the houses and the air is not cool. the people i’ve loved, the people i love, and the people somewhere between, they are all asleep i’m sure.
me and sleep... we have a complicated relationship. sleep either escapes me, or hits me all at once. i haven’t dreamt in days, dull sleep is boring, i wouldn’t mind if it escaped me today.
some days i’m jolted awake by thoughts i can’t avoid, invasive stupid thoughts. most often i’m bothered by the thought of my best friend dying, i’ll jump up and immediately look to her and there she is... breathing, as always.
one day i’ll look at her and she won’t be. i’m not sure what i’ll do after that.
she’s soft and nice, and although she can not speak i’ve never felt more love from a living thing. you can tell by her eyes.
there isn’t anything wrong in my life anymore but i still spend my days drowning and trying to figure out why that is. i’ve read the books that tell me what i feel is only to be expected, but it doesn’t make the swimming feelings in my head die down. they’re still there.
some people tell me to give it time, i can’t keep spending precious time wondering how it’d feel to die. i don’t know if i want to die, i just know that i want to know what it feels like.
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.