I am tired.

I am tired

I need rest

it is my job to ignore my needs

so that my child can have hers met by me

yet it is also my job, to meet my needs while I meet all of hers

that is impossible

Every night, after she is finally asleep,

I lay in bed

I thank God for my bed

for shelter

for safety

As I know other mom's in the world do not have the same

I am privileged

though it is unfortunate that being safe

is a privilege at all.

Still, I long for sleep

for someone

To hold me at night

to tell me I am enough.

I long for God to say

"It's over, you can be done now."

It sounds selfish

but I have been surviving since I was a child.

Life goes on

and at the end of each day,

I close my eyes

dishes done or not

house cleaned or in my case (not)

bills paid or again, (most likely not)

I fall asleep,

and an hour later,

I am up, trying to put my child back down.

My brain hurts

my eyes burn

my body aches

She is crying

She is itching

She wants to be next to me

but I need to just be

She has severe eczema that torments her every night

When I sleep, I dream of awaking to her agony

It isn't real sleep

Morning comes and I have barely gone under

She is at my bed needing my attention

I feel guilty

I wish I was better

I hope she knows how much I love her

I get out of bed long before I am ready

Always.

I am up and cleaning, entertaining, chasing, trying to hide my depression, exhaustion, and anxieties

this is every day

This is motherhood

and this is the meaning of the word

"tired."