I’m ruining your image of me aren’t I?
I promise you I don’t mean it. I really don’t.
I didn’t mean to yell when you called my name and I didn’t mean to tell you to shut up that other time. Everything starts out as a joke, I thought you would understand. But maybe that’s too much to expect.
I’m really not a bad person and I don’t want you to think I am. I love you in ways that you don’t understand, in ways that I probably don’t know how to show.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I make you upset and I’m sorry if I don’t take your feelings into consideration like I should.
I’m sorry if I make my feelings more important than yours, or if I pretend that you don’t have any.
I’m not putting myself in your shoes like I should and I truly apologize.
I want you to look at me and see me, but how can you do that when I never show myself to you?
If I cover it up with random commentary about how I hate what I do.
I so wanted to shine for you. I wanted you to be proud of me, and I still do.
But I am afraid I’m much too late now.
I am afraid I can’t take back the memories I already gave you.
How do I make it different? Do I just start behaving differently? Will that work?
What if I can’t?
What if I keep trying and failing?
Failing and trying.
Will you give up on me? Will you take what I’ve already offered you and leave it at that? Will I get another chance?
I’ve yelled at you again. This time you cried.
Now I need to cry.
I want to say sorry, I want to take it back, but I don’t know how.
Sometimes my own emotions paralyze me and I can’t even try.
Sometimes I try to talk to you, but you aren’t interested in the moment.
And who can blame you?
It’s my fault.
I had visions of our life together. We are happy and I’ve treated you so well. So why are you crying now? How did I do it so wrong?
Why do you think I don’t love you?
Why do you think I love her more than I love you?
I really don’t.
I love you guys the same.
I know this and I always will. How do I make you know this?
Your feelings are valid. I promise they really are.
I’m giving you these feelings and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make it stop. What do I do to make you feel better? To show you that I love you even though I’m so incredibly mean.
How do I tell you guys, without words, that you are the reason I am alive?
Your faces, engraved in my mind, will always stop me from doing something so irreversible.
Isn’t that love? How do I show you?
How do I show you?
How do I show you?
I will choose you guys. Always.
You guys will be in my heart. Always.
I will never let you go, I will hold on to you both. Always.
So I’m sorry that I am not me.
I’m sorry that I’m giving you scars and terrible memories.
I don’t want to poison you guys. I want to make you both so happy.
I want to cherish our time together before it’s over.
Please don’t give up on me. I will find myself and be presentable to you both.
I love you both so much.
D and H.