Poets logo

I Am Not Me.

by Vanessa E-Daniel 11 months ago in sad poetry
Report Story

Vanessa E-Daniel

I’m ruining your image of me aren’t I?

I promise you I don’t mean it. I really don’t.

I didn’t mean to yell when you called my name and I didn’t mean to tell you to shut up that other time. Everything starts out as a joke, I thought you would understand. But maybe that’s too much to expect.

I’m really not a bad person and I don’t want you to think I am. I love you in ways that you don’t understand, in ways that I probably don’t know how to show.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I make you upset and I’m sorry if I don’t take your feelings into consideration like I should.

I’m sorry if I make my feelings more important than yours, or if I pretend that you don’t have any.

I’m not putting myself in your shoes like I should and I truly apologize.

I want you to look at me and see me, but how can you do that when I never show myself to you?

If I cover it up with random commentary about how I hate what I do.

I so wanted to shine for you. I wanted you to be proud of me, and I still do.

But I am afraid I’m much too late now.

I am afraid I can’t take back the memories I already gave you.

How do I make it different? Do I just start behaving differently? Will that work?

What if I can’t?

What if I keep trying and failing?

Failing and trying.

Will you give up on me? Will you take what I’ve already offered you and leave it at that? Will I get another chance?

I’ve yelled at you again. This time you cried.

Now I need to cry.

I want to say sorry, I want to take it back, but I don’t know how.

Sometimes my own emotions paralyze me and I can’t even try.

Sometimes I try to talk to you, but you aren’t interested in the moment.

And who can blame you?

I can’t.

It’s my fault.

I had visions of our life together. We are happy and I’ve treated you so well. So why are you crying now? How did I do it so wrong?

Why do you think I don’t love you?

Why do you think I love her more than I love you?

I really don’t.

I love you guys the same.

I promise.

I know this and I always will. How do I make you know this?

Your feelings are valid. I promise they really are.

I’m giving you these feelings and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make it stop. What do I do to make you feel better? To show you that I love you even though I’m so incredibly mean.

How do I tell you guys, without words, that you are the reason I am alive?

Your faces, engraved in my mind, will always stop me from doing something so irreversible.

Isn’t that love? How do I show you?

How do I show you?

How do I show you?

I will choose you guys. Always.

You guys will be in my heart. Always.

I will never let you go, I will hold on to you both. Always.

So I’m sorry that I am not me.

I’m sorry that I’m giving you scars and terrible memories.

I don’t want to poison you guys. I want to make you both so happy.

I want to cherish our time together before it’s over.

Please don’t give up on me. I will find myself and be presentable to you both.

I love you both so much.

D and H.

sad poetry

About the author

Vanessa E-Daniel

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights


There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.