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I Am Not Me.

by Vanessa E-Daniel 11 months ago in sad poetry
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Vanessa E-Daniel

I’m ruining your image of me aren’t I?

I promise you I don’t mean it. I really don’t.

I didn’t mean to yell when you called my name and I didn’t mean to tell you to shut up that other time. Everything starts out as a joke, I thought you would understand. But maybe that’s too much to expect.

I’m really not a bad person and I don’t want you to think I am. I love you in ways that you don’t understand, in ways that I probably don’t know how to show.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I make you upset and I’m sorry if I don’t take your feelings into consideration like I should.

I’m sorry if I make my feelings more important than yours, or if I pretend that you don’t have any.

I’m not putting myself in your shoes like I should and I truly apologize.

I want you to look at me and see me, but how can you do that when I never show myself to you?

If I cover it up with random commentary about how I hate what I do.

I so wanted to shine for you. I wanted you to be proud of me, and I still do.

But I am afraid I’m much too late now.

I am afraid I can’t take back the memories I already gave you.

How do I make it different? Do I just start behaving differently? Will that work?

What if I can’t?

What if I keep trying and failing?

Failing and trying.

Will you give up on me? Will you take what I’ve already offered you and leave it at that? Will I get another chance?

I’ve yelled at you again. This time you cried.

Now I need to cry.

I want to say sorry, I want to take it back, but I don’t know how.

Sometimes my own emotions paralyze me and I can’t even try.

Sometimes I try to talk to you, but you aren’t interested in the moment.

And who can blame you?

I can’t.

It’s my fault.

I had visions of our life together. We are happy and I’ve treated you so well. So why are you crying now? How did I do it so wrong?

Why do you think I don’t love you?

Why do you think I love her more than I love you?

I really don’t.

I love you guys the same.

I promise.

I know this and I always will. How do I make you know this?

Your feelings are valid. I promise they really are.

I’m giving you these feelings and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make it stop. What do I do to make you feel better? To show you that I love you even though I’m so incredibly mean.

How do I tell you guys, without words, that you are the reason I am alive?

Your faces, engraved in my mind, will always stop me from doing something so irreversible.

Isn’t that love? How do I show you?

How do I show you?

How do I show you?

I will choose you guys. Always.

You guys will be in my heart. Always.

I will never let you go, I will hold on to you both. Always.

So I’m sorry that I am not me.

I’m sorry that I’m giving you scars and terrible memories.

I don’t want to poison you guys. I want to make you both so happy.

I want to cherish our time together before it’s over.

Please don’t give up on me. I will find myself and be presentable to you both.

I love you both so much.

D and H.

sad poetry

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Vanessa E-Daniel

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