Home wasn’t right for me
They’d shut every door I turned to face
And pulled the blinds closed over my eyes
The sun was a distant memory
As darkness shrouded me in its cloak
-
I sat on the porch rooftop
My eyes tracing the lines in the stars
With tears dripping onto the backs of my hands
To remind me
That home wasn’t right for me
-
Home wasn’t right for me.
Around every corner, I came face-to-face with fear
In every eye, I saw pain reflected back at me
Even on the bathroom tiles, my misery stared up at me
Through pale skin and sunken eyes
-
I huddled on the floor
Arms wrapped tight around my legs
With fingernails digging crescent moons into my calves
I couldn’t get enough breath in my lungs
Gasping for the air that was just beyond my reach
Telling me
Home wasn’t right for me
-
Home wasn’t right for me
Panic clawed at my chest
As my fingers snatched my clothes off the floor
And stuffed them in the suitcase
I gathered only what I needed
And left the rest behind
-
I slid into the passenger seat
Of my best friend’s car
And rolled up the windows
Turning my eyes away when they tried to keep me under their thumb
Because I was no longer blind that
Home wasn’t right for me
-
Home wasn’t right for me
Because it had never been a place
And it had never been a person
Home was a feeling
And I couldn’t feel it there
-
Nervous energy spun in my stomach
And I struggled to close my eyes
What had I just done?
But the warmth in my chest
And the sparkle behind my eyes
The lightness of my laugh
And the tingle in my fingers
Told me that
Home was right for me
-
Two weeks ago to the day, my entire life changed.
I sat up in my bed at 2am, texting my best friend. The last two nights Id gone out with them, I'd had panic attacks about coming home. My past had come back to haunt me, and I couldn't shake off its hold.
How would I get to class?
What about my plants, my pets?
Who would be okay with this?
What about my brothers?
And the fear, what about the fear?
Then three words that sold my fate.
Come get me.
It was 2am, and my best friend drove 30 minutes to my house as I threw all my stuff into my bookbag and a small suitcase. I crept down the stairs to the front door, setting down my stuff so I could briefly tell my mother what was happening before it happened.
And then I left.
My home wasn't right for me.
And I'd known that for a while. I'd reached out. I'd begged. I'd tried. I'd fought. But no one would help me. No one would save me.
I was hurting, suffering, dying, but no one seemed to care.
And then I met my best friend, and they saw, they heard, they cared. And they weren't afraid.
I turned my whole world upside down in a decision that took less than thirty minutes. It was impuslive and reckless and it hurt people, and I don't know if I regret it or not, but I did it. And I did it for me.
I chose to rescue myself. I chose to take the hand offered to me. I chose to help myself so that I could go back and help my brothers.
Home wasn't safe.
Home wasn't kind.
Home wasn't loving.
Home wasn't right.
So, I found one that was.
About the Creator
L. J. Knight
I'm the girl who writes poetry in coffee shops, who walks the halls with a book under her nose, lost in her thoughts. I'm the girl with the quiet voice and the smart eyes, the one who dreams for the moon and hopes to land among stars.
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