going for a run

Tonight, I went for a run

As I walked out my front door I wondered if I should

It was just getting dark but anyone could still tell from the way my hair defies gravity what I am

Or rather, what color I am

I don’t have to remember the black man who was murdered while going for a run

I think about him every day

And that was in broad daylight

Maybe I shouldn’t go

As I put in my wireless headphones I wondered if I should

If for some or no reason a cop or a concerned citizen yells STOP, the music pumping through my ears will prevent me from hearing them

She ran, they’ll say, that’s why we shot her

If she didn’t do anything wrong, they’ll say, she wouldn’t have run

I was just going for a run

Maybe I shouldn’t go

As I ran the trail next to the dense woods I wondered if I should

I don’t have to remember the 5 (or has there been another since I’ve written this?) black men found hanging from trees in recent weeks

I think about them every day

If I’m found hanging from a tree will they call it a suicide?

I can’t believe I have to say this but if I’m found hanging from a tree, IT WAS NOT A SUICIDE!

Maybe I shouldn’t go

As I ran the trail through two big, beautiful brick houses I wondered if I should

I might be a little too close for their comfort

I can see into their backyards what if they see me I know there’s a trail but maybe I shouldn’t be here MAYBE I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE

I’m not here to rob you I swear

I’m tired I want to stop running but I don’t, I can’t, not until I’ve cleared these houses I can’t be caught in between these houses I don’t want to be seen as a threat

Me, standing at not even 5 feet, in shorts and a tank top and running shoes

I’m clearly just going for a run

But my skin tells another story

I’m just going for a run

As I clear the houses, I finally stop running and air rushes back into my lungs

I walk for five seconds

I see a couple out walking their dogs and I wonder if I should

Yes, I start running again

I have to let them know I’m on a run I can’t be seen just walking in their neighborhood

Even though I live 5 minutes away

I don’t want them to think I’m here to rob them, or buy drugs, or sell cigarettes, or sell CDs, or sit in my own backyard, or walk home from school, or play with a toy gun, or cash a check, or sleep in my own house

Or just be…

I don’t want them to think I’m here

I’m just passing through

I’m just going for a run

As I walked in my front door I wondered

I wondered at all these thoughts I’d had, all the thoughts I have every time I go on a run or go to the store or go to a bar

Sometimes you forget that you think about these things every day

Now, as I lay in bed after a shower and a cup of tea, I wonder if I should go for a run again tomorrow

Yes, I think I’ll go