Fever Dream

I had a fever dream

where I saw you for the first time -

not the you who screams at me

shouts at me

scratches my face

just because I had added a little bit too much salt

in your soup.

I had a fever dream

where I saw you gently lying on a bed of green grass.

I came over and you said,

Come, sit by my side,

and let's look at each other for once,

eyes to eyes.

I thought I saw heaven

and I thought perhaps I did die a little bit right there

on the carpet with the green color -

not of envy but of hope.

Let's see eyes to eyes, you said,

and let me make up for whatever wrong I had done to you.

I cried and jumped down to where you are:

Honey, don't hurt me more than you already did, I said,

mimed and heavily wounded as I landed down the abyss.

Honey, you don't know how those words meant to me.

I know, you said. And with a cold, gentle smile, you told me, I did it anyways.

I wake up from my fever dream

and feel the tears rolling down my face.

They make my vision blurry, honestly,

and there have been too many occasions where this sort of blurry vision

pushes me off the cliff.

I have gotten used to that - being pushed off the cliff, I mean.

But I can never get used to the pain.

After all, who can?

I felt a slight movement by my side,

Isn't it cold lying there, why don't you come over here?

It's strange how someone's gentle voice and the warm breath on skin

can bring up such fear and love at the same time -

and suddenly, the green grass carpet in that fever dream appears

right in front of me.

Give me another chance, I said as I slowly sit up and look over at you.

Give me another chance, I repeated. You twirled your fingers in mine,

and very softly, they tucked mine off all the will

to leave.

I had a fever dream

where I had mustered up the sort of courage to leave you

and this monstrous, toxic, sickening poison between us.

But I woke up, honey, and as with all dreams, waking up is a shame -

I had forgotten how happy it was for me

to be free.

After all, the fever dream is just a burning passion

where seeing you eyes to eyes

can finally release you from the monster who is holding your heart

and release me from you.