Escape, escape, escape

When I stepped out

from under that looming shadow

of financial, emotional, physical

abuse,

that was my first escape.

I thought I would only

need one escape —

I was wrong.

When your abuser is your mother,

people will excuse her aggression

as coming from a good, loving place

and shift the burden on you

to fix her, to accommodate her,

to return her aggressive love.

My second escape

was stepping out of these connections

and realizing that intention does not

justify the damage that was done.

That you cannot fix someone

unmotivated to see the problem,

unwilling to make the change.

My third escape

was to escape the escaping.

The mindset of

continually trying to run away

from something dangerous.

I spent so long

protecting myself from

every act of aggression

that my recipe for every connection

was to fight, flight, freeze, and fawn;

to overschedule and overachieve,

but also

to avoid and self-sabotage.

I had to learn to escape the escaping

and instead to build towards

my values, my intentions, my goals.

I learned that

I no longer had to run away from,

nor have to run and rush towards safety

but that I can walk,

one foot steadily in front of the other,

towards my destination.

***

Thank you to Susannah MacKinnie, who had first prompted me to try this writing prompt out: Escape. There are so many forms of escape that one could think of, and to me at that time, this is what spoke most to me. I'm curious to find out what the word "escape" brings up for you! Is it the fire drills you had to do as a kid? Is it a specific fire escape in this weird apartment you once lived in during college? There's so many possibilities!

***

Lucy (@ramyeonjpg) is a budding poet who jots down all the wildest pieces of her life into poetry form. By day, she's a graduate student. By night, she crochets an unreasonable number of scrunchies to de-stress. As someone who never runs out of ideas, she aids other writers who run into writer's block with weekly poetry (or writing!) prompts. Never want to feel stuck again? Join me here!

This piece was first published here.