Empty Truth

I remember the first time I made myself throw up like it just happened today

I had eaten a single chewy Jolly Rancher

A blue one, because that’s the best flavor

I did it without thinking

I did it without looking at how many calories I’d consume according to the label

I just wanted one

So I ate it

As soon as it slid down my throat, panic set in

What have I done?

I ran upstairs into the bathroom

I stood over the toilet and grabbed my stomach with both hands

I squeezed and twisted my poor stomach with only a chewy Jolly Rancher inside of it until I forced it back up and into the bowl

I smiled

I laughed

Flushed the toilet and then calmly walked back downstairs as if nothing had ever happened

But something did happen

Something bad

Something I’m still struggling with today

Purging happened

There is no way to sugar-coat it

I was only 16 when this incident took place

Now, at age 22, I’m still forcing food up out of its rightful place

Or am I?

I’m not sure after all these years, that I deserve food just as much as the next person