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desire.

by l blickensderfer 7 months ago in slam poetry
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a poem

desire.
Photo by Christian Lue on Unsplash

i wanna go to my last year of summer camp and cry with my friends while we sing leaving on a jet plane at closing campfire.

i wanna be the ice princess or whatever at our jc dinner.

i wanna spend a whole class bullshitting my way through because i really don't wanna do the project.

i wanna mess around with friends in class and get yelled at by the teacher.

i wanna get drunk and make mistakes and wake up in the morning not remembering anything that happened.

i wanna count down the days until i can get my drivers license and freak out when my parents buy me a new car on my birthday.

i wanna go to a party with my friends and wake up the next morning hating myself but having the experience and stowing it away to be used later or maybe not.

i wanna get a job at a fast food restaurant and sneak my friends free food and hate my job but keep it because i'm a broke teenager.

i wanna look back and be able to differentiate the years i spent in school knowing exactly.

i was a junior then. that was freshman year.

i wanna mess around in the hall with my friends during passing period and get yelled at for being late.

i wanna know people.

i wanna go to the same high school for 4 years and be integrated in a community of people my age.

i don't wanna be older than everything else.

i don't wanna look at the world like i'm a fucking failure because i couldn't get through a semester of high school.

i wanna uproot all of the shit and mistakes, burn them,

and plant a new fucking seed.

i don't want to be out of touch with the world.

i wanna drive my brand new car out of the school parking lot because i finally can and watch the jealous sophomores glare at me from the bus stop.

i wanna drive away at three in the morning and do nothing, feeding on caffeine and the thrill of being free.

i want somebody to pass me in the hall and not stare at me with pity in their eyes because i'm sitting alone.

i wanna lean against a locker while talking to a friend.

i wanna go into a store with my friends and get kicked out because the staff thinks we're trying to steal everything.

i wanna go in a store with my friends and steal something so obviously and not get caught and laugh like a psychopath when we get back outside.

i wanna lose my virginity and wake up miserable and possibly drunk.

i wanna be friends with older guys and freak out with my friends when we get invited to college parties.

i wanna cry when someone hurts me.

i wanna have a connection with someone so deep that it will hurt.

i don't want to have to prove to everyone that i have friends.

i want them to know it. i want them to be my friend.

i want to miss someone.

i wanna miss them so much it hurts.

i wanna sneak out at midnight and lie in the middle of a park looking at the stars.

i wanna fall in love with someone

i want them to break my heart.

i wanna be confused and miserable about my future

i want to love the world i live in

instead of sitting alone wishing i was fictional.

i want to fucking love myself,

maybe then i could understand

why people tell me i'm worth it.

i want to understand why

i crave misery like a fucking drug

i want to go back in time.

and tell past lucy to

FUCKING SAY SOMETHING.

but i can't

and i won't

and i don't know how

and i guess that's the problem.

slam poetry

About the author

l blickensderfer

lil bit sad but a lil bit cool too

https://twitter.com/ljblick

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