i wanna go to my last year of summer camp and cry with my friends while we sing leaving on a jet plane at closing campfire.
i wanna be the ice princess or whatever at our jc dinner.
i wanna spend a whole class bullshitting my way through because i really don't wanna do the project.
i wanna mess around with friends in class and get yelled at by the teacher.
i wanna get drunk and make mistakes and wake up in the morning not remembering anything that happened.
i wanna count down the days until i can get my drivers license and freak out when my parents buy me a new car on my birthday.
i wanna go to a party with my friends and wake up the next morning hating myself but having the experience and stowing it away to be used later or maybe not.
i wanna get a job at a fast food restaurant and sneak my friends free food and hate my job but keep it because i'm a broke teenager.
i wanna look back and be able to differentiate the years i spent in school knowing exactly.
i was a junior then. that was freshman year.
i wanna mess around in the hall with my friends during passing period and get yelled at for being late.
i wanna know people.
i wanna go to the same high school for 4 years and be integrated in a community of people my age.
i don't wanna be older than everything else.
i don't wanna look at the world like i'm a fucking failure because i couldn't get through a semester of high school.
i wanna uproot all of the shit and mistakes, burn them,
and plant a new fucking seed.
i don't want to be out of touch with the world.
i wanna drive my brand new car out of the school parking lot because i finally can and watch the jealous sophomores glare at me from the bus stop.
i wanna drive away at three in the morning and do nothing, feeding on caffeine and the thrill of being free.
i want somebody to pass me in the hall and not stare at me with pity in their eyes because i'm sitting alone.
i wanna lean against a locker while talking to a friend.
i wanna go into a store with my friends and get kicked out because the staff thinks we're trying to steal everything.
i wanna go in a store with my friends and steal something so obviously and not get caught and laugh like a psychopath when we get back outside.
i wanna lose my virginity and wake up miserable and possibly drunk.
i wanna be friends with older guys and freak out with my friends when we get invited to college parties.
i wanna cry when someone hurts me.
i wanna have a connection with someone so deep that it will hurt.
i don't want to have to prove to everyone that i have friends.
i want them to know it. i want them to be my friend.
i want to miss someone.
i wanna miss them so much it hurts.
i wanna sneak out at midnight and lie in the middle of a park looking at the stars.
i wanna fall in love with someone
i want them to break my heart.
i wanna be confused and miserable about my future
i want to love the world i live in
instead of sitting alone wishing i was fictional.
i want to fucking love myself,
maybe then i could understand
why people tell me i'm worth it.
i want to understand why
i crave misery like a fucking drug
i want to go back in time.
and tell past lucy to
FUCKING SAY SOMETHING.
but i can't
and i won't
and i don't know how
and i guess that's the problem.