Dear Colin

i want to apologize

apologize for being friends for years;

for supposedly leading you on,

and apologize for what i did,

what i said,

and what i was wearing-

that striped crew-neck was my favorite.

but most of all, Colin, i apologize for not being strong enough to say "no."

it was pure terror running through my veins- nothing but adrenaline, fear and poisoning narcotics.

i apologize for not being strong enough to say no, Colin, when your hand crept up my inner thigh, ever so slowly, i started to sweat while my body felt immensely cold.

and then i started to silently cry,

i mean, over the years i have learned to master the art of silent sobbing.

however, I'm sure you noticed-

just as your ice cold hand rubbed the tear drops flowing from my eyes and you quickly turned your head away from the mess you created.

i soon became numb to your movements, Colin.

and i, once again, apologize for not being strong enough to say "no."

I'm not finished with you-

almost like the way you told me to "hold on"

and how "it would be okay,"

i lost every bit of the sacred, white purity i was born with.

i am not done feeling violated

when you got off free-

nothing at all.

the drive home was more tempting than usual, i wanted to cry, but i couldn't.

i felt that if i cried i would succumb to being your victim

and i refuse to be a victim, Colin.

especially yours.

all that night, September 28th,

i tossed, and i turned-

seeing nothing but your face, Colin, every direction i turned.

i was so cold because all my walls were knocked down by you-

leaving me so vulnerable, naked, and scared.

trust was a two way street and you passed my car, knocking my entire life off of my road to recovery i had so far conquered.

I'm back to square one, Colin.

I hope you're happy with the way you manipulated my entire being- not just my body but my soul, too.

and for that i will never forgive you, Colin.