Darkness, thy name is…

Hello there world.

A little disclaimer as this may seem darker than intended.

So I started writing a story about regrets and being able to change things. I had two endings to go off. One ending was sort of it’s a wonderful life style, where the narrator is actually happier with the way things where. The other ending was more like black mirror, where there would be a twist in which the narrator was in a beta test and it went wrong, quite darkly due to things not being happier. However, as I began to write I began to feel myself pouring onto the page. What began as a little carthatic writing, transformed into more into non-fiction and was closer to the truth of what went on. As I finished it. I realised that neither ending would work. The first was too happily ever after, whilst the second was too fictional. Honestly, I’m sadder than when I started writing it. Now I’m not going to delete it, nor am I going to post it (just yet, maybe in the future). However, I am trying to release some of the negative emotions that have been brought up with the story by writing this instead.

Darkness, thy name is…

I find myself, searching for answers and coming up with solutions which make me worse. I find myself spiralling into the darkness and the void that is my mind. I close my eyes and see an empty space where I don’t feel safe. Darkness, thy name is…

I split myself in two, in three, in four, until I cannot stand to hear myself anymore. I can’t find an exit to escape my despair nor can I find an entrance to a happier time. I feel stuck, lost and alone, in a time long since gone. Darkness, thy name is…

I believe that if I held my hand out, there would be no one to take it. I believe that I cannot control anything else in my life as life has showed me that before. Destiny is a black ink scrawled on the page which cannot be erased. Darkness, thy name is…

I need to take a deep breath, I need to realise some truths. I am seeking inside myself when in reality I’m seeking help. I know how to fight and need to gain the motivation to seek the help I need. Darkness, thy name…

As I breath in and out and let the world fall on my shoulders, I can feel the weight lifting off me. The world isn’t a weight that I can shoulder alone and I know that if I can’t escape I need to reach out harder. I need to seek help. Darkness, thy…

Each word I write, blends into the others. Each line becomes more poetic and less realistic. Each empty void slowly fills with the idea of having help. Darkness…

Until I finally calm down. Until the world is nothing more than a daydream drifting away. Until I am able to release my negativity and finally say goodbye, at least for now. Goodbye darkness, thy name is peace.

End

I decided to write my metaphorical feelings onto the page until I felt better and had released some of my pain. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not in a better place, but I have helped myself. Realistically the reason for this post is twofold. It was a way to escape from the darkness that I had created and it was a little note to others who can’t escape from their own darkness. I didn’t seek help and ultimately helped myself but this does not mean that in the future I shouldn’t seek help, nor does it mean that I can try this every time I find myself in the dark. Basically, if you find yourself in a dark place. Reach out. Seek help. There is always someone willing to listen.

Thanks for reading and remember.

Darkness, thy name is… but to defeat it you can seek help.