Collective Thoughts

My heads under water

I can’t breathe

I feel numb

They don’t notice

They see my smile

They ignore the dried tears on my face

They say i’m on my phone too often

They say i’m too lazy

They say i’m selfish

But they don’t know who i am

I don’t know who i am

They share their ideas of who they think i am

They share their unwanted opinions about my health

They say depression is a choice

They say anxiety is act for attention

Sometimes i wake up no being able to breathe

Like i’m being held.. Held underneath the water i once loved

His hand on my throat holding me down

It hurts but its just a game.. Right?

Everytime i forget that moment i see the scare he left behind

I tried to run

I couldn’t run fast enough

How could someone you looked up to do this?

Its in the past

I smile when i’m suppose to

I laugh when i need to

I try to be the person they want me to be

I can only try for so long

When does it end?

The pain

The regret

The numbness

The disappointed look they give me

They try to discipline me but i’ve been there done that

Nothings ever new

I’m not the girl they used to know

I use my friends as an escape outlet

They don’t notice

Hell they don’t even know the pain i’ve felt

They haven’t seen what my eyes have seen

They don’t know me

They don’t know how easy it is for me to give up right now

But my brothers

The only people that save me from the pain

Cameron the one that saved me with just an inch away from the vein

Warren the one, whos eyes i look into and see myself before life broke me

They need me

I sleep because it’s easier then getting out of bed and pretending

I want them to know how hard it is for me to see others smiling and laughing without forcing it

But it’s okay because i’m fine

I want them to know how i really feel

But it’s okay because i don’t want them to be worried

I want them to look me in the eyes, tell me it’s okay and that i’m safe

But thats never going to happen because they see the smiles

They only see what they want to see

They see the old me

The girl that had no worries

The girl that laughed and giggled at every cheesy joke

The girl before the monster i’ve become

But its okay because i’m fine

Its okay because i’m above the water

Its okay because i wear the mask that makes others think i’m okay

I’m fine.