I’ve heard the Rules of Men in Men’s Rooms
Don’t Make Eye Contact
Don’t Use the Urinal Directly Next to Another Man
And For God’s Sake,
Don’t Look Down!!
Women don’t have rules like that.
The more the merrier.
We go to the bathroom in groups.
We hand each other toilet paper under the partitions.
We will have long drawn out conversations between the stalls about life and love
and our friends and strangers
on the other side
will chime in,
but we are bitches
and we will not let you cut in front of us to go pee
you will stand in line for an hour doing that little dance we are all so familiar with.
The men’s room is a completely different story.
I’ve been on dates with men who
don’t open doors,
don’t want to pay, and
don’t even know how to carry on a conversation.
Chivalry is dead in the real world.
But not in the men’s room.
Men will let a woman cut in line in a bathroom she’s not even supposed to be in.
“Oh miss, I insist. You’re more than welcome to take your piss first”
“Why thank you kind sir. I greatly appreciate it.”
Men will make sure you are comfortable in there too.
“Do you need a drink sweetheart?”
“Is that toilet seat comfortable?”
Of course I say yes to both,
I would love a drink
and if this seat wasn’t comfortable,
how would you fix that little problem?
Your lap perhaps?
No thank you sir.
And men don't care if YOU look down.
“How you doin?”
I’ve spent my fair share in the men’s room.
I was using men’s rooms long before HB2 was an issue.
As of today,
I have lost three drinks,
two pairs of panties
and one boyfriend
in the men’s room
but I have made countless friends.
I wash my hands
and then I’m opening my own doors again
and paying for my own drinks
and listening to sports stats and political rants that I don’t give a fuck about.
I’m in women’s rooms watching women put on makeup
while I eyeball them with jealousy
because I can’t even apply lip gloss the right way.
And I go on with my life wishing I was back in my happy place,
is not dead
in the men’s room