Broken Shell

When all you can take


Engulfs and takes over you 


Like a huge wave


Of salty ocean water.


But you make it through.


It’s tenacity and harshness has chopped away at your surface 


but your still intact.


Just when you think the big wave has passed 


and you survived 


and the worst of the worst
is over 


You’ll gratefully try ..


To come up for air 


But
There will be this little wave , 


right after
the coupe de grace

one may say. 



And this last little wave

gives way for your exhaustion to set in ...


you will feel your muscles aching 


You’ll forget what air feels like as you Squirm helplessly, 


In the all encompassing

ocean


You will paddle and fight

to get that little breath


The salt water will pour

into your mouth

and down your throat 


And you’ll cry from it harsh sting

and writhe in pain 
.

But you’ll keep coming up, 


even with the salt water

rushing into your nasal passages

and drowning you

from the inside out ... 


But..

determined .. 


You’ll keep coming up . 


Savoring each short burst of air .


Though it seems you may make it,

this couldn’t possibly be the end,

your fighting and kicking and thrashing have got to do something ? 


Right? 



But Your still drowning 


just slowly,

more resistant

then if you just took the great pitfall, 


Just gave in

and let the water

fill you completely 


Let it fill up your lungs

and weigh you down

encapsulating you,

absorbing you..

into its deep dark depths


But wait! 


You emerge 


And when you finally emerge

still tasting that salty fishy ocean water

in your nose,

in your eyes

in your mouth,

in all your senses


in your very pores 


When you thought it was nearing the end 


Somehow

you find yourself

close to shore ,


Able to stand

and to breathe,

and once again

you feel safe,


Once again

you are alive 


But


Your slight feelings of triumph

in your moment of survival 


Will be interrupted, 


shamed .


You see
your different now,


You’ve fought death


you’ve made another day 


and forever ,

everyday

you will feel different


because your life has changed, 


you’ve seen firsthand what the end is 


you lost your goggles

and your boogie board

and seen the ocean for what it really is .


What it really can do .. 


And that understanding

of capability

will be with you

every morning

through everyday 


and no one


will get it .


the people you interact with 


will not have seen what you’ve seen 


felt anything close to what you’ve felt . 


And now

a fear of water

sets in


Of drowning


of the end

. 
and no one will get it .


And they’ll laugh it off 


and call your fears irrational 


“It was just one time.”


“you didn’t die . “


“Get OVER it “



But

a little piece of you

did die

You met fear,

terror, 


you lost control

. 
And this big piece of you

changed 


and hardened


and manifested ... 


And transformed you 


into a whole different being .. 


But 


since your not

the being you used to be

You’ll be described

as “different “ 


Or..”off”

“Broken”


And that word

will make the salty

putrid taste

of the ocean

fill your throat again,


your nose, 


your senses.


Cause in a way

it’s true...


Your no longer

fully intact 


Your edges

are jagged

and misshapen 


your not a full shell anymore 
,

your deformed 
,

less. 


Disfigured


your just , 


a fraction of the whole ..


Somewhere in those waves

your fragile shell

cracked 


And since then

it’s been game over 


Who wants to take home something broken? 


no matter how pretty

it was


before...