Beautiful Pain

This short book of poems is dedicated to the person I was during three years of marriage that will haunt me for an eternity. It is also dedicated to anyone who is a victim of domestic abuse. Our pain may never truly go away, but I have faith we will learn and grow from it and that through time and strength it will fade.

Hazy Readings

No one could have predicted the storm she would endure. The weatherman failed her, the tarot card said love would flourish in her life and the horoscope predicted new beginnings. What they failed to mention was that the love would flourish like a hurricane rather than a flower. That new beginning was on a three year delay due to abuse and heartbreak. No one would have dared predict the series of events that would almost kill her on a daily basis because who would utter such horror to a senior in high school?

~there’s no warning the girl doomed to a life of chaos

Flicker

A candle flame is so vulnerable,

So delicate and fragile.

One small gust of wind, just a tiny movement

And the flame is out.

~always keep a lighter

I’m Scared to be Happy

I’m scared to be happy,

Because every time I’m happy things go horribly wrong.

Birds fall from the sky quicker than my beats per second when I’m scared.

The earth shakes more than my knee when I’m anxious.

The desert in the month of July becomes colder than my body temperature when she starts to yell.

The sky becomes grayer than my heart when it feels like crumbling up in to nothing

The world becomes darker when my mind brightens.

I’m scared to be happy.

I’m scared of happiness,

We have a funny relationship actually.

I yearn for her warmth,

The tight embrace that feels like it will last forever.

The feeling that she is committed to me and for once she’ll stay by my side.

I want her to love me.

I want her to look in my eyes, the kind of look that stops me from repeating every thought going through my head

I’m not good enough

Flashbacks.

I can’t do this

Flashbacks.

This is too much

Flashbacks.

I’m broken

Flash- “STOP” she’ll say,

“Stop and follow me because I can show you a better place.”

She’ll take me by the hand

So soft and warm with the brightest most beautiful smile

but I can’t move.

I’ll stay in the dark room I call my mind and deny her love.

Why? Because I’m scared.

What if she’s fake? What if she doesn’t really exist? What if she’s another illusion like when I’m tired and swear my cat can talk.

What if she’ll leave me?

I don’t know what I’m more scared of: happiness or living the rest of my life without letting her in.

I’m scared to be happy.

I’m scared because my last relationship

Gave me a different definition of

what is means to be happy;

As long as you’re happy then I won’t get hurt.

I don’t know what it means to have someone think

That I am beautiful when it’s 5 o’clock in the morning

And I have yet to awaken from my sleepless slumber

I don’t even know how it feels to receive a break

When my nights are long and my days seem like

They never end.

When you’ve slept so hard that I swore you turned

Into a rock and your days consisted of me trying

To make things easier for you.

I do not know how it feels for someone to care

As much as I do but that discussion is for a different day.

I want to be happy.

I want my happiness to be so great that it will

Pulsate off me.

I want it to be so bright that no pair of sunglasses

Will be able to shield you from it’s rays.

I want to discover a new definition.

One that involves me in it’s meaning.

But alas, I am scared to be happy.

Tough Luck

She didn’t expect to be part of the unlucky

Twenty-Nine percent.

They say the definition of trust is giving someone a loaded gun hoping they don’t pull the trigger.

Inevitably, I was grouped with the ones unfortunate enough to fall for the sharp-shooter.

The domestic abuser.

I didn’t expect so much pain.

Was that love?

~the odds were never in my favor

Moonlight Promises

In the darkness

she would whisper sweet nothings.

In the light

they would become exactly what they are:

nothing.

With Beauty Comes Pain

Like a rose her patience died.

Something so beautiful, you’d think it’d last forever

But it doesn’t, it never would

Save Me

In the darkness,

her phone lit up like fireworks dancing across the night sky.

You were there.

You always were.

As my world is crashing down

like a regularly scheduled appointment

As screaming turns to silence

And the entire room blurs into nothing

You were somehow there

Every time that heart was reaching for the trigger,

Ready to give up ,

Ready to put down every emotion it ever felt or could ever feel,

You would send a simple message,

“Hey, how are you?”

So simple

So easy

So blissfully ignorant of the world he took me from

He called me perfect

~I could never be yours

Wait

My darling boy,

You are a book that has yet to be written.

People will judge you by your cover

But the lucky few that take you off the shelf

Will wish they picked you up sooner.

~someone will love you

Self-Hate

I am mad at myself.

Why?

Because I found myself in Hell and I stayed there.

I made it a home and decorated it with the finest decor.

But no matter how nice I made it, no matter how many times I cleaned, the walls were still made of fire and the floor of glass.

At least I still had my freedom..

Red for the blood that ran down my lip.

White for my mixed skin.

Blue from the bruises she left on my spine.

Have you ever had to hold someone so tight after they just crushed every part of you so they wouldn’t make a mistake they wouldn’t live to regret?

Aim For the Head

She left me like a bullet

That wound up in my chest

I can only joke so many times

About being laid to rest

But I’m a horrible person

So I guess I deserve it

Stay

You call me strong,

but I still need you to hold me in your arms

when my demons see me stumble.

~please don’t let go

Whiskey Daydreams

I grab the bottle every time

I think of you

Because the thoughts

Bombard my head with excruciating pain that no doctor or drug could relieve

Green Thumb

Maybe things did not go as planned;

the flowers she planted died before they could

bloom.

Maybe the soil lacks nutrients,

maybe the sun did not shine as much as it should,

maybe she forgot to water it once or twice

Or maybe, the flowers just did not wish to grow.

~some things are just meant to die

Part 2

Broken Plates

I am stitched in all the places I had to fix myself. Every time I allowed someone to tear into me as if I were made of ash. So easily did I crumple in the hands of another only to be put back together with a few missing pieces.

~ a broken plate is never glued back the same

Move Along

Moving on looks like flammable words that spill out waiting to be ignited. It’s avoiding anything that looks like your car and dodging anyone with similar features because maybe you can shapeshift with your mind the same way that I can remember old events that involved your fist on my spine. Moving on means seeing old photos and knowing we will never take another together again. Moving on is seeing your new photos and convincing myself that I’m ok. Moving on is removing you from my mind and acknowledging that you may always stay in my heart and that’s ok. It’s waking up in the morning and not wanting to die. Moving on is realizing that I can treat myself better than you ever could. It’s learning to live when all you knew was how to be alive.

Worth

I am not everyone’s cup of tea

But one day, I will be someone’s cup of coffee

At 6a.m in the morning after a long night.

Low Expectations

Cupid symbolizes love as an arrow, flying straight and true. In reality, that rarely ever happens. Love is a poorly made paper airplane, swerving this way and that, reaching maximum altitude before plummeting to the floor.

Love is a tennis ball, bouncing from one side of the court to the other not knowing which side to stay.

Love is any metaphor that compares a reality to a personification that can’t make up its mind.

It’s confusing, and never easy in the long run.

It’s like trying to describe the color red to someone who is blind

Love exists in the eyes of a child but flickers in the eyes of a lover

AA

Her love was the smoothest

shot of whiskey,

The finest quality.

The kind where you’d never dream

of another liquor hitting your lips.

~a different kind of addiction

Your Name

Love, you have a way with words. They dance so effortlessly off your tongue in a beautiful rhythm to which my soul begins to shake.

Love, my name for you because you love so deeply that I could hardly imagine any name so fitting for a soul like yours.

Love, you’re like a thunderstorm. So terrifyingly beautiful, I can’t look away.

Love, lend me your heart that has withstood too many storms so that I may hold it to my chest shielding it from the rain.

Love, take my heart so you may do the same.

To the Guy who Doesn’t Deserve Her

Sir, treat her like she is the easiest person in the world to love.

I’m begging you.

Her heart has seen too many wars.

She’s crawled through barbed wire,

been a victim of friendly fire,

but what she truly deserves is peace.

Give it to her.

Sir, do the simplest of things:

Show her love that does not expire

Show her love that is selfless

Don’t you dare be a liar

Don’t leave her feeling helpless.

Sir, treat her like she’s the easiest person in the world to love because I promise you she is.

Unwanted

My love is like a movie you rent and never buy.

The blockbuster of desire,

where intentions are only to borrow,

never to keep.

It’s children’s clothing you’ll eventually grow out of.

My love is just a pit stop

for your heart’s desire

that will never be me.

I am the secret keeper,

the safe place.

You are lightning:

beautiful, dangerous, and gone in a flash.

Aphrodite

I pray everyday to the goddess of love. I promise to trade my self hatred so that you may find what you’re looking for. I tell her that I understand how it will never be me. I tell her how I loathe the one you trust with your heart because I’ve seen him drag it through the mud leaving it more ragged than it was before. I tell her that I wish nothing for myself in return because when I pray for you it’s the only time I see my soul.