As He Did

If I could see myself the way he did, I'd be in love.

I would love that conglomerate of wisdom and natural grace that her divine femininity has fought to become.

I would open my eyes for old books, listen for the kind of musicality that speaks to her.

I would kiss her sincerely.

I would trust her with my secrets, my fears, my mistakes, my past.

I would understand the magnitude of her worth more than anyone else.

I would use my words to make her believe in her most intricate, intimate, whimsical dreams; I would act on them, so as to let her know that she is deserving of her own love story, like the ones she adores.

But, because of this, he had to let me go.

He exited my life for the fear of no longer being good for me.

Because of his affection, his honest love, he didn't have a choice from his side of the record scratch.

Hearts have the habit of not quite aligning with the brain's chosen mindset at a given time - life especially likes avoiding agreements with either one.

But. Through our time in loving each other, you taught me that there is a universe inside me that I should unashamedly love.

That I shouldn't ever doubt this woman, or shrink away from the mirror, ever again.

You may not have been the one, but you were the one who taught me real, unconditional love.

You are the one that I'll tell my daughter about one day; the man who left me kisses before work when he thought I was asleep, the man who supported my every endeavor, the man who gifted me old, worn books he'd found.

You are the one I'll tell my son about; the man who hadn't had the chance to be vulnerable, the man who was burdened and broken time and time again without the room to grieve and allow his sorrows to mend, the man who cherishes a good heart and knows how to take care of it.

You are the one that I will forever remember, the one that future candidates for my heart will be compared to.

They won't be you, but if they are not all that you gave me, I don't want them.

As I promised, I will not accept a shred of love less than what we had.

You were it.

We were it.

But now, I am it.

I encapsulate all that love should be, and will ever be when my next adventure in intimacy, love, sensuality, vulnerability, romance, begins.

You gave me something meaningful while we believed that we weren't time stamped - you loved me like I was your one, because I was, as you were mine.

But from now on, we share our memories in a tiny room we've created in the corner of our minds.

It is plastered with all the photos we took with your camera, painted the color our daughter's room would've been, a library filled with your words, and mine.

"You really wanna marry me someday?"

"Yes," I laughed, my head rested on your chest as we fell asleep.

"Once upon a time, there was this girl, this young woman, who walked through my door..." you began to tell our story, after I'd asked you to tell me something good.

"Take care of mom, okay?" You pet my cat which I held in my arms for comfort, the day you came by and had to end it with "a heavy heart."

"You deserve someone who can give you tons of kids, cause you're going to be a wonderful mother," you were scared of never being able to give that to me; you didn't want to take away my chance of carrying my own child in my belly.

You were so utterly selfless.

From the beginning, to the end.

You had the best of intentions.

How could God ever make another man like you?

I'll continue asking with my hands pressed to my chest with your old notes crumpled between my fingers, until my waiting is over, and everything you gave me can be given life again.

Now that I see myself the way you did, I am utterly, irrevocably in love with this beautiful mess, and will accept nothing less than that unashamed, unconditional, all-knowing... love.