Anxiety

It is unexpected and uninvited,

As sudden as a pan flash.

First, there is distraction

And then dissonance,

And then disconnection.

The world passes as smears

On the twisted artist’s canvas.

A two-dimensional world

Without depth or definition.

My guts pang, my lungs twist;

Shallow, cautious, rhythmic breathing.

Straining for control, for normalization.

Every irrational thought, a paralytic.

Strokes, heart attacks, car accidents.

It’s only fear, it’s only fear, it’s only fear.

A forward step is soothing.

The common touch is healing.

Sleep is the equalizer.

When I wake, my mind is home;

A pilgrim’s return to native soil.

I harvest these moments,

When the anxiety subsides,

When I am myself again.

I tattoo them on the front of my brain,

So the times of fear and panic are less

And less, and less, and less.

I wonder if this curse will lift;

If I will ever be whole again.

I spent years trying to outrun my skin,

To shed my reality, to step outside myself.

I wanted to be untethered.

But the disembodied mind

Craves the tangibility of flesh.

The loosed consciousness

Writhes in disconnection.

Mind and body are one

Until the day the soul is prepared

To be pulled away, and away, and away.

If I am to be a beast of burden

While my soul is trained for release,

I shall wear the yoke,

And I shall pull the cart.