And, she exhaled

And, she exhaled.

The tension, the sorrow, the grief. She exhaled.

Not because they deserved it, not because they, anything.

Because she.

Because she could not hold onto that which did not serve her and welcome in all the love. To embody that which does not work feels awful. She couldn't numb anymore. That felt like betrayal.

Nor could she use the body to generate feelings. Bliss. Foodgasms. Seeking the perfect tongue.

Learning to let go of cravings. Meeting her own needs so well she "needs" no one. Learning to find balance in "want".

Learning all about herself so she knows how to take care of herself. How to treat herself well so it's an easy and safe place to inhabit.

No self-betrayal here. Even if she had to disappoint you, and learn boundaries with you and do every cringy thing to clear the space so she is ok with her first - then you. Knowing, too, we're all one hurtling together around this sometimes visible ball of fire.

She exhaled because exhaling is a step towards world peace.

She exhaled because, why wouldn't she? Don't we want it to be easy to breathe?

Leaving the body came so naturally because that's how past-her figured out to fly under the radar and hide her magic fairy wings. She dreamed, too, of the magical fairy coming to witness her legitimate suffering, and grant her some magic in compensation.

She exhaled.

Tongue tense willing life force into tiny spaces to hide - no more.

Exhaled expectations cultivated to soothe a confused mind. Always trying to solve the puzzle of humankind - not understanding out of bandwidth errors, or deceit, or paradox.

She exhaled all the promises and compromises and self-denial and self-abuse. Exhaled.

And exhaled some more.

Noticing how the next breath came so automatically...how easy it is to smile after that next inhale...how contagious exhales and smiles are. How contagious racing thoughts are, too.

How fear feels like a deadly virus.

It turns out the body and mind use the same oxygen tank.

We didn't know...

Oh, the suffering caused by that which we did not know when we were younger and dumber and she's just learning how to be with our mirrors without sounding condescending and trite - grateful for excellent role models.

Praying for grace. Exhale.

She learned that a whine is like hitting the brake and gas at the same time. It's a sign of paradox creating out of bandwidth errors - which should be met with compassion and bandwidth clearing protocols, not judgement.

What does the universe look like where that's normalized?

Exhale.

Being gentle with herself when she forgets and powers over and wills it to be. Being kind to ignorance because dumb responds better to kindness than to shame and she's cleared enough bandwidth to be kind.

Exhale.

Inhale. Look around. Recalibrate. Exhale.

Repeat.

August 7, 2019 by @philosopherbonnie