An Ode to My Depression On Our 6 Year 9 Month Anniversary
A poem from the depths of my depression
This poem was written a few months before my 20th birthday. At the time I was trapped in an abusive relationship, depressed and suicidal. Ironically, around this time I wrote my toxic boyfriend a loving poem for our anniversary.
It seems like my own version of Sylvia Plath's Lady Lazarus, looking back on my history with depression and how close I got to ending it all. Its scary and maybe painful for others to see but that was me at that time. I'm not going to feel ashamed or deny it. I wish none of it ever happened but that's not how life works.
I can gladly say that my mental health has improved since then but the pain in this poem is still very real to me. Its a reminder of how bad it has gotten and how far I have come.
TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM, OVERDOSE, SUICIDE
If you are struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts or stuck in an abusive relationship please reach out for help. You deserve it.
An Ode to My Depression On Our 6 Year 9 Month Anniversary
I don’t know when you began
Some time when I was 13
When I started to shred myself to pieces
Not just in the mind but in the flesh
But I know when you peaked
Just before my 16th birthday
You had done your work
Thoughts of speeding cars and deep dark waters
Turned to multiple pills
I knew I wouldn’t die but I hoped it would hurt
Turns out I couldn’t even get that right
No pain except the superficiality on my wrists
And the notions to my mum that all was not right
With her only daughter
They tried to make it right with conversations and empty pills
But I still wished I was a good enough depressive
To have been hurt not just humiliated
I still can’t open up even now
To my one true shot at love
He languishes in my silence as an act of selfishness
Making things difficult to get attention
A way to hurt and punish him
But the truth is
The only way I have been able to express myself
Is through the scars you can see on my thighs
As he has stopped me they will fade in a matter of years
And if I keep taking pills
And talking when the system has time for me to talk
And pleasing my man
Will never return
The woman from the system categorised them as superficial
Without hospitalisation and stitches which hurt
It will be like you were never here depression
The dark keeper of my heart
My closest confidant
The secluded hole I crawled into
My lover and my hater
My muse and my stunter
My overwhelming and my emptiness
The only pain I have had to suffer as a white privileged straight woman
For what am I but a depressive
What was the girl supposed to be before you seduced her
My scars are my identity
If I don’t keep them up they will fade
And I will be lost
Because I can’t go deep enough
I’m a weak depressive
But I am dedicated
Don’t leave me with happiness
She is unfamiliar to me
She hasn’t been there through everything
She doesn’t understand
I don’t know how to live with her
Like I do you
I truly am addicted to pain
Self-inflicted bleeding
Holding on to a mental illness
Holding on to the memories
That anyone else would destroy as soon as they could
Depression you were right I am a bad person
And I deserve pain and everyone hates me and what is the point of even fucking trying
About the Creator
Rebecca Clark
Graduate in love with writing
If you like what I'm doing, check out my website and zine: thefreshfeminist.com
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