Am I alone?
I feel so disconnected from the place I once called home-
It’s a long distant memory that can never be regained-
Am I ashamed?
Despite how hard I try the emotion remains untamed-
Because I feel as though I am the only one to blame-
For the life I’ve led that went down roads winding towards shame-
Some say that clinically and in every other way I am insane-
So who am I to talk with when I feel this depth of pain?
Do I open up to those who have known me from the start?
Or do I watch as our relationship remains stagnant and eventually drifts apart?
There’s a longing for more so deep inside my heart-
But every time I step one way the vicious cycle then restarts-
Where I cannot escape the past I’ve lived and the choices I have made-
Or completely forget about all the roles that I have played-
To build or to destroy- there is no in between-
And I often think that who I want to be is a very distant dream-
I say this because I am the only one walking down this path-
I cannot focus on what lies ahead because I’m forced into looking back-
Let’s rehash,
And open up the smallest wounds until they become a gash-
I cannot blame somebody else despite how hard I try-
Because the man I see inside the mirror and I don’t quite see eye to eye-
I cannot bounce ideas of someone else in hopes that they are capable of loving me despite the damage I have done-
But it cannot be worse than the damage I am capable of when it comes to my own thoughts which cannot be outrun-
Despite how fast I move my feet or how quickly I can think,
I wind up deep inside the well from which I should not drink,
They say that I should learn to swim but often times I sink-
Though on the outside I’m 6’5” inside I’m watching myself shrink-
Condoning thoughts of pure self hate that seem to pop up more than the number of times I choose to blink,
While everything including me pushes me closer to the brink-
It’s hard to fathom the idea of what it would be like to embrace complete self love-
Because it seems as though so many awful things arise and cannot be overcome-
I am one,
Alone beyond my wildest fears,
I’m watching life pass me by while I’m stacking up the years-
Spent in isolation without properly conveying what goes on between my ears-
It’s not wise for me to think that I deserve to fill my cup-
Because it seems as though everyone else can never get enough-
God forbid I forget responsibilities and do things for only me-
Because then the gash might open wide and no one can patch me up as it begins to bleed-
I’m the man inside his own form of hell resorting to a shell-
Faced with the concept that there is nothing I do well-
Well enough to earn a living or provide for more than me-
I’m capable of so very much that not even I can see.
About the Creator
Jake Snyder
An avid writer specializing in poetry of the soul and a life long Bi-Polar Type 1 advocate and survivor.
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