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Alone

A Poem from “Wandering”

By Jake SnyderPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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Am I alone?

I feel so disconnected from the place I once called home-

It’s a long distant memory that can never be regained-

Am I ashamed?

Despite how hard I try the emotion remains untamed-

Because I feel as though I am the only one to blame-

For the life I’ve led that went down roads winding towards shame-

Some say that clinically and in every other way I am insane-

So who am I to talk with when I feel this depth of pain?

Do I open up to those who have known me from the start?

Or do I watch as our relationship remains stagnant and eventually drifts apart?

There’s a longing for more so deep inside my heart-

But every time I step one way the vicious cycle then restarts-

Where I cannot escape the past I’ve lived and the choices I have made-

Or completely forget about all the roles that I have played-

To build or to destroy- there is no in between-

And I often think that who I want to be is a very distant dream-

I say this because I am the only one walking down this path-

I cannot focus on what lies ahead because I’m forced into looking back-

Let’s rehash,

And open up the smallest wounds until they become a gash-

I cannot blame somebody else despite how hard I try-

Because the man I see inside the mirror and I don’t quite see eye to eye-

I cannot bounce ideas of someone else in hopes that they are capable of loving me despite the damage I have done-

But it cannot be worse than the damage I am capable of when it comes to my own thoughts which cannot be outrun-

Despite how fast I move my feet or how quickly I can think,

I wind up deep inside the well from which I should not drink,

They say that I should learn to swim but often times I sink-

Though on the outside I’m 6’5” inside I’m watching myself shrink-

Condoning thoughts of pure self hate that seem to pop up more than the number of times I choose to blink,

While everything including me pushes me closer to the brink-

It’s hard to fathom the idea of what it would be like to embrace complete self love-

Because it seems as though so many awful things arise and cannot be overcome-

I am one,

Alone beyond my wildest fears,

I’m watching life pass me by while I’m stacking up the years-

Spent in isolation without properly conveying what goes on between my ears-

It’s not wise for me to think that I deserve to fill my cup-

Because it seems as though everyone else can never get enough-

God forbid I forget responsibilities and do things for only me-

Because then the gash might open wide and no one can patch me up as it begins to bleed-

I’m the man inside his own form of hell resorting to a shell-

Faced with the concept that there is nothing I do well-

Well enough to earn a living or provide for more than me-

I’m capable of so very much that not even I can see.

sad poetry
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About the Creator

Jake Snyder

An avid writer specializing in poetry of the soul and a life long Bi-Polar Type 1 advocate and survivor.

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