a thousand deaths

I’ve died a thousand times

Passing from one plane

Of existence

To another and back again

I’ve felt my soul disintegrate

A million times and one

Pooling shattered

On the other side of pretend

Hundreds of oceans exist

Amidst those cruel bright stars

Composed of

The tears that I lose like blood

Countless curses crossed my lips

At the dark I came to well know

Walking barefoot

On the glass from those broken lights

I tried to count the flames

Consuming me from the inside out

Burning away

But nobody heard those cries

My bones are made of dust

Ground down again and again

Freshly crushed

Each time I dared to get up

I wrote down a billion words

With the ink from jagged scars

Foolishly believing

It would make me clean again

I drank my sorrow like water

As it was fresh and abundant

Distantly understanding

Canyons and caverns don’t mend

I flew over mountains and oceans

Flinging pages behind me

Not knowing

A gunshot would pierce my heart

I added a million more oceans

To my collection in the stars

So many

Catching tears I buried him with

I’ve washed my skin a thousand times

Scrubbing away unwanted touches

Somehow unsoiled

Though clearly not missed

I thought I tapped a hundred photos

Though it was only two or three

Seeing proof

My death made space for the shinier coin

A billion cliffs came to know me

As I stood in painful silence

They understood

But they’ve seen so much bloodshed

Countless times my knees met the floor

And my voice journeyed to heaven

Telling Him

All the details of my many deaths

I know what peace looks like

And joy and happiness, light too

Don’t misunderstand

I know the summers of life

But I am well acquainted with winter

With the coldness and the dark

So tonight

I speak of these icicles inside my chest

And if you don’t understand

Someday you probably will

The reality

Of living through a thousand deaths