A poetic letter

In the spirit of resurrection, here's some old poetry I've dug up...because you're worth it.

Although I am constantly thinking of things I'd like to write, it usually occurs when I am unable to do so... somewhere there's a rogue piece of paper with my ideas on them. I figure - if and when I am able and the mood strikes me - it will come out. I forget things and often repeat the same stories anyhow! Writing is draining - but in the best way for me.

So, I am recycling today - mostly because, while I have ditched the idea of "perfectionism," as I had realized it was just creating a blockage from be doing, well, anything.

Due to this alteration in my way of being - I submit my stories with little to no editing. I even find errors after they are published and I leave them that way because, it's mine and - I don't think I care. So, here during a time where my heart was most certainly broken and my entire being lost and confused.

Narcissistic Woe

When someone uses, “I love you,” in the most abusive and manipulative of ways

To one who is so sensitive to hearing those words to begin with

Perhaps they were never shown what it really meant or how it should be

They will never trust but will destroy someone with good intentions

Nevertheless, continue to spar with one that uses it as venom...

as if uttering these words as second nature were made to make you feel safe…

The tape that plays over in the mind, as this was all you ever knew…

makes it almost comforting - like being enveloped into a soft embrace

oh, how I did long for that embrace

Then the rationale slowly registers, that you don’t need to play like a child anymore

The loss of control is repetitive - insanity - reopening a wound that had superficially healed

When you realize the bait-and-switch, foolish this way comes

It still hurts to your very core

whole body retching,

pain

from sobbing

all the while - merciless is the snake - slithering around you, circling, waiting to strike

The octaves of your voice reaching heights unknown

anger seething, heat, red is all you can see - feel - even more so

You do not realize the bellow of your voice reaches the ears of no one

Do protect part of your soul, what a fool

Your cries - cut through the air like a knife - they echo

left unassigned to anyone’s ears

you did this to yourself

Yourself. Yourself. Myself. you knew. I'm laughing at you.

You did it again - that stabbing you- is it not self-inflicted?

Is your open nature of forgiveness – also your weakness?

That little bit of hope – now dim

However many words you have will never fill the space of empty

They'll never care. They'll never respond. Remember, little girl, you don't matter

You never did, your parents taught you that

Just like that - lights flicker above in time to remind that your sense of self is so fragile

One slight crack in the veneer...remember little, it was always your fault - even when you weren't there

these venomous creatures will steal the little light you have left?

don’t let them take your soul-it’s not your heart, that will heal

it’s been cut so often we are not sure there's anything left to bare

It’s pieces of your soul that break, they don’t deserve this power

Be mindful of that…

Never mine (mind)

I miss innocence

Was there ever innocence

I miss another place and time I don’t know I ever visited

I miss the feeling of the sun on my back, sitting in the buick with my father driving. staring behind me, wondering where everyone else was going and why I wasn't with them. They were probably having fun. I was always miserable. Always miserable.

I miss the house full of chaos, why - I don’t now

I miss rocco

I miss lucie

I miss kevin

I miss the days of us sleeping in together

I miss wanting something

I miss something I never had