A Healthy Relationship

For one of the first times in my life,

I’m healthy.

They’re healthy.

The two of us are healthy together.

And yet I go to sleep wondering if I’m just killing time until they leave.

And wake up wondering why a healthy relationship,

could leave me feeling so vulnerable

I have no frame of reference for “okay.”

And “healthy” is based off of past experiences,

and years of therapy,

But in practice,

each moment could feel like a war zone

And I can still be safe.

It’s ridiculous

How does one decide whether the problem

is inside of their relationship

Or inside of their head?

Do I feel unsafe because of what they did?

How they reacted?

How I expect them to react, due to past lovers?

Or does comfortable feel unsafe because I’m out of control of the situation?

Is it a good sign that I want to talk to them a lot?

That I want to tell them about my day?

And hear about theirs?

And tell them about every dog I pass by,

And show them every sunset?

Or is it a bad sign that I am so attached?

I watch them pick up my words,

examine them carefully,

and acknowledge what was said-

for the meaning, not the individual vocabulary-

and watch them try to understand me through it.

I see them try every day to love someone

Who is beyond broken,

But beautiful still,

and I know that loving me is hard.

But when loving them is so easy,

Why does it still put me on high alert?