A Healthy Relationship
After trauma and depression
For one of the first times in my life,
The two of us are healthy together.
And yet I go to sleep wondering if I’m just killing time until they leave.
And wake up wondering why a healthy relationship,
could leave me feeling so vulnerable
I have no frame of reference for “okay.”
And “healthy” is based off of past experiences,
and years of therapy,
But in practice,
each moment could feel like a war zone
And I can still be safe.
How does one decide whether the problem
is inside of their relationship
Or inside of their head?
Do I feel unsafe because of what they did?
How they reacted?
How I expect them to react, due to past lovers?
Or does comfortable feel unsafe because I’m out of control of the situation?
Is it a good sign that I want to talk to them a lot?
That I want to tell them about my day?
And hear about theirs?
And tell them about every dog I pass by,
And show them every sunset?
Or is it a bad sign that I am so attached?
I watch them pick up my words,
examine them carefully,
and acknowledge what was said-
for the meaning, not the individual vocabulary-
and watch them try to understand me through it.
I see them try every day to love someone
Who is beyond broken,
But beautiful still,
and I know that loving me is hard.
But when loving them is so easy,
Why does it still put me on high alert?