A girl at almost 13

She’s so used to hiding from hurt and hoping for love and insanely repeating the putting on of glasses the color of a rose

She rose in the morning the day of the show, alight to perform what she’s learned, for an audience, in her outer space costume of yellow spandex leotard and thin black tights

The thing hasn’t happened yet

The thing she’ll later grow to write a different poem about*

She is still just a hurt-at-home-and-school little girl, with no idea what’s just around the bend in her bent life

She bends to pick up the second black leather knee high boot, moments before curtain, and she’s in the opening scene...

Ten minutes! Yells the stage manager, and her heart leaps and creeps into her throat, and suddenly, what the hell is that? Ouch! Why does her tummy hurt? And why does she feel like she wet her pants?

She pants open-mouthed, as she looks down, back, wide-eyed into the mirror, and sees red... slowly spreading at the bottom of her leotard.

What? Wait, WHAT?

Her FIRST PERIOD ON OPENING NIGHT?

This night, she has no time to become a woman, let alone figure out what to do about it!

last minute the costume mistress notices the panic on her face. Here’s a pad and a new costume. GO CHANGE NOW!

And change she does, lickety-split, from girl to woman with no time to comprehend what’s happening. A pro already, her head is in the game and she gives it her whole heart.

She has learned over time, as she becomes me, to give my whole heart. To those I love. To those I hate, even, and sometimes to those I’ll never meet. And that hurt little girl has been carrying the hurt for too long, and it’s HER BODY that’s always in pain, because I didn’t realize I was still letting her do all the heavy lifting.

She’s the one, poor lovey, stuck in that moment of panic, right before going on stage, with no time at all to understand what it is to be a girl, let alone a woman. And she never should.

She SHOULD be dreaming, beading, making art, singing at the top of her lungs, and baking bread with her hands, and letting ME do the rest of the heavy lifting.

I miss having my period.