5am/I Awoke

I awoke today with a broken heart.

Not a new break, but a more full and embodied consciousness of the despair I am carrying.

Today I awoke weeping, desperately aware of my loneliness and longing to belong. To myself. To a significant other. To the world. To be heard. To be useful and needed. Desperately wanting someone to tell me that my being isn’t an accident or a mistake.

I awoke and felt the absence of optimism and faith in my body. I awoke afraid that sharing the depth of my godlessness with those I love might visit my despair upon them and create more hurt.

Today I prayed for the first time in years but I don’t know to who.

I selfishly prayed for my passion to spark itself alive and fuel me once again. So that I can keep doing the work of living and hope that I can live a good and meaningful life.

I selfishly prayed and asked for my body, my heart, and my mind to be healed so I can once again find peace.

Today I awoke to my own well of emptiness and exhaustion. Felt the profound pain of what it is to be both human and spirit. To be both always and never alone. To be both alive and dying.

Felt the heart in my chest become a metal box in which I lock everyone and everything out. Including myself.

I felt the repetitive and terrorizing risk it is to keep choosing to breath while knowing for some there is no guarantee.

I selfishly prayed to stop feeling the pain of being alive.

To be free from the pain of witnessing the pain of strangers going through the same struggle and not possessing the antidote so that they won’t have to.

I awoke knowing it would not be the last time I’d wake up feeling like this. Not the last time I’d wake up terrified that I’ll lose the people I love. And in the very same moment I realize I’ve never said I love them. And thought about what it may feel like to never get that chance to.

I awoke knowing that this will not be the last time I’d wake up terrified that my whole truth is a dangerous thing to announce. And realize that it only affects my small circle of associates.

I awoke knowing that the place and time I live within has a system that is trying to kill me. Insult me with their unjust judgments. Knowing that instead of openly admitting to their racism they sugar coat it by saying “we’re trying to make America great again.”

I awoke knowing that I will not find peace in the habitat that is built on fear and injustice.

I awoke knowing that this will not be the last time I’d wake up to news of violent deaths whether from cops or other criminals without badges.

I awoke knowing that I have a bed that for many reasons I can potentially not return to.