30 Days After

8: core

my sadness seeps deep,

like water drawing rivulets

in the stoic stone of my heart,

each line a scar

i cannot stop touching

as if to remind myself

over and over and over

what i’ve done,

the consequences,

all painted with indelible ink

across the core of me.

9: two steps back

my anger and frustration

tear apart the respect you deserve

with gnashing teeth and tears

and my actions reflect the fear

i feel in every part of me.

it’s unfair to you, to us,

and it derails the progress we’ve made.

the fault lays firmly in my lap,

shoving us two steps back

with renewed anger and sadness.

10: pls stay

i can see you leaving,

even when you’re sitting

right beside me,

and i feel a nauseating twist

deep inside me

as my heart breaks

like i broke yours.

i can’t take back what i did.

all i can do is

be better for you, for us.

but there is no us, if you’re gone.

11: forward

in the quiet moments together,

i can feel the difference,

somewhere between a held breathe

and a sense of relief.

the road ahead is long,

filled with dark shadows

cast by my treachery,

but we push through the brambles,

tend the wounds between us,

and make our way forward.

12: riptide

words spill in a flood:

heartache, sadness, despair

coloring the waters between us

in oily emotive swirls

that overlap and multiply.

scattered moments of hope

glitter like starlight in the darkness,

a reminder that this isn’t our forever,

just a riptide that stole our breath

until we break through the surface,

treading water until we stand,

different but whole again.

13: growth

eggshells i littered across our life

are perilous shards of sorrow

strewn like seeds

to grow in the heat of tears

buds bring fear

but as petals unfurl

love whispers

on currents of new beginnings

14: progress

the collective grief is exhausting,

but progress is progress,

no matter how small the steps,

and as long as we keep talking,

we feed the hope we need

to come out of this together.

Infidelity is a complicated affair. This series reflects the first 30 days after mine was discovered. I'd ended the inappropriate conversations with other men years before D-Day, but that is no excuse for what I had done and did not mitigate the damage my betrayal created. We have since gone to counseling and sorted things out, and I work daily to continue to rebuild his trust. Judge me, if you must, but nothing will be harsher than the punishment I've doled on myself.