100 Cups of Tea

Healing

Waiting

Doing

Not Doing

The feminine way

The masculine way

Looking for you

Not looking for you

Finding myself

When I’m right here in my heart

Just lay with it all

Just keep pushing through

Messy

Put together

It’s not impossible

Take it step by step -So many words and directions to my heart

He said I destroyed him

His father

I sent him away

He said

Sometimes I think she will never forgive me

She’s strong with a broken heart

I’m sure she wonders

What does it mean to be a daughter of a dad?

I don’t know

I only have a father

I don’t want to speak of

I don’t say this to them

But did you know that he threatened my life?

Not just once but more

He is not safe for them

Some things are hard to talk about

I waited longer than I should have

Yet I can still feel like the bad guy -Not every child should be with their father

I never knew a great man

I don’t know what it feels like

To know and trust a great man

Seems so out of reach

My heart wants

To find a great man

She needs to know she can -Broken heart desires

I guess I’m getting deeper

Speaking things

I’d rather leave

On the inside

Maybe this

Is how I get

To where

I want

To go

I don’t want

You to know how cruel

The world can be

I don’t want to believe it myself

I don’t want you to not believe me

I don’t want to remember

How it felt

Six months

No heart beat

Just want it to be over

Cruel nurses

Foreign country

You birth nothing

Lying there

In the hospital

A husband who wants

A favor

To forget

What he saw -Word throw up

I didn’t want to see her

Nights crying

On the kitchen floor

I guess that’s when

I decided

That tea was comfort

A full warm belly

To fill the empty

I should have saw her

Leaving me -No face to remember

I realized

I need to be

That great man

Who will hold

That great woman

Inside me

Today they form the partnership

I dream of

But dreams are for her to dream

While he takes action now

Each will exist

In her flow -My new flow

I’m not there yet

I’ve only begun

Know I’m not perfect

I’m still looking for him

On the outside

To rescue me

Because the way ahead

Seems hard

Looking for the easy

In my life

But the more I step up

The less I’ll look

On the outside -My man on a rescue mission

You think you really made a mess of things

You just pray

That they will be ok

Then your oldest

Who you thought had left you

Asks you to lay with her

Not a little girl

Anymore

Not quite a woman

Yet

Two mysteries unfolding

And someone to lay beside you

While we learn

To hold ourselves – Strong souls ask for help

Start the day

With pleasure

Catch a glimpse

Of my own beauty

I’m ready

For anything

It gets dark

Bring it on

Give me anything

You’ve got

I can feel

My strength

Storming down the side walk

Just get it done

Be a little angry

Looking at the world

Around me

These days

Why aren’t we

Helping each other more?

Why the division?

And the rain resembles

What I’m actually feeling

It wasn’t a dooms day

It was just a sad day -Feelings changing fast

I asked for help

I wanted to ask you

But I didn’t

I didn’t even let you see me hurting

Today I wondered

What you did with my heart

And if I could really say

I hoped you threw it away -Scaring you off

Do we want someone

So much

To become

Who we want to be?

Who would I have become?

If you loved me then

Or maybe you thought you were? -The scent of your energy

My heart

Is clearing out

The poison

Of what I thought

I was

Through the words, looks, and touch of those

That didn’t know

Any better

I just want to wake up

And be all cleared out

And sometimes

You feel so close

I could touch you

It helps get me though

Days where I feel

Like I don’t belong

Anywhere -Another planet

I just want to be in nature

Naked

And letting the lake water

Caress my skin

Bare feet

On the ground

Hot sun on my face

And cool breezes

So, I can remember

To breathe deep

I just want to feel the city

Alert

Surrounded by what we created

Makes my heart beat

Shoes

On the sidewalk

People all around

And the rush

So, I can remember

I want both of them -The story of my life

What are the words that will heal my hands?

What needs to be said?

Who needs to hear it?

Just know that I love you

No matter what

I don’t care what you did

I don’t care what thoughts go through your head

I don’t care what your past was like

No matter what you believe in

About life, death, and souls

I know you are trying your best

And I wish I could hold all the darkness for you

The times when it feels too heavy

And life doesn’t feel fair

But I know you will get there -Someday

My mother told me

Life isn’t fair

These days

I find myself

Trying to prove her wrong

Even when fears creep in

Because there has to be a way for us

To have the life I dream of

And when I have it

I will help you find it too -From one single mom to another

When the written word fails me

What other power do I have?

Poetry is my power

It protects my heart

When no one else can -My voice happens on the page

Will I ever be able?

To strip down naked

Legs open wide

And say

This is me

Or will I always be hiding?

Something

If so

Is it even worth it?

I don’t want to live halfway -No excuses

I day dreamt

How great we look

Together

In a country tune- Songs about it all

I hate the mother I was today

I wish I could just throw her away

And forget

She ever existed

In the moment

It can get messy

I wish

I was always prepared

With fairy dust

And miracles -Single mother fairy

If it’s not one thing

It’s another

As far as I remember

Something has always tainted

The perfect day

How do you get comfortable?

With things not going your way

When I was younger

I told myself

If I did one thing right

It would be

Being a mother

That was a joke

Now I would be happy

With one perfect day

Now

I feel like

Sometimes

All I can do is pray

For things to not fall apart

Completely -My perfect

I’m stepping into the unknown

Seems to be the theme

Of my life

Still alive

Yet to thrive

Still have hope

Burnt my rope

In so many ways

Or just life

As I’ve heard

So, I keep trying

Crying

Begging

Trying not to look desperate

To find my way

Not get

Run over

Like a toad on the road -I’m a toad