Humans are still not out of bed. Typical. 5:32, day has started, Human’s are clearly expecting me to rouse them, I will have to oblige.
I jump onto the humans bed, and begin the rousing process by licking their faces. What follows is the usual noises of complaint, these humans like to complain, but I know what is for the best. I have to duck as male human takes a swipe at me. He is unappreciative and disrespectful. Anyway, they are up now. Female human has understood, she gets there quicker than male human and although she attempts what she refers to as ‘cuddling’ I have no time for this. A quick pat and I’m done, we can ‘cuddle’ later if that’s what she really wants. I drop a morning fart for human’s to show some love for them. This does the trick as they jump out of bed to start serving my needs.
‘Thank you for that Wilson!’ exclaims female,
'you are welcome' I reply with a wag of the tail. I follow her downstairs, she is slow in the morning’s, probably because she is hideously old. I overheard her telling male human that she was concerned about turning 30 in a few weeks. Came as surprise for me that she still has full use over her bladder at that age.
She opens the backdoor like a good human so that I can check the defence system I have implemented
'see how I protect you humans!' I mutter as I walk past female who yawn’s at me.
‘Oh Wilson, what a cute noise’
'Shh human, don’t describe me as cute when back door open honestly!'
I inspect the garden, male human is quite dense, he has removed the majority of the landmines I set up. Luckily for him I feel prepared to plant a new one, I must find the optimum position though, as I probably only have enough for one this morning. I will be able to plant a few more throughout the day.
’Toilet Wilson’ calls Female human. She at least is appreciative of the landmines, she never gets rid, she clearly understands the garden defence system, and encourages me in the project. Having found the optimum spot I return inside. On the agenda today is; at least two scouting missions, morning and early evening, to ensure that I remain a step ahead of any threats. A few conditioning exercises, there is a good rope that Male human purchased a while ago that we use to strengthen our muscles with. A rare good idea from him. He is lazy though, so quite often needs encouraging to engage in this exercise. I will need sustenance, Male human will provide me with this and I will remind him of the appropriate time. Finally I will need to recharge my batteries, I have to stay up all night to guard the house, as humans find it acceptable to sleep at same time in same place. Honestly what would they do without me?!
Female human has walked off, I will check on the second canine who resides here. He is a useless character, unlike myself who is a magnificent specimen, this second Wilson is small and fluffy and quite often has a gormless grin on his face. I see no evidence of him stepping up to guard the house and quite frankly I carry him in my duties. None the less, I must check up on him. Usually he is in the room where the humans sleep. As I make my way up the stairs, Male human was too impatient to wait and ends up stumbling down, a quick glance tells me he is fine, there is some barking from him, but no whimpering, so nothing was broken. I dart between Female humans legs as she goes to bark at him also
‘Are you ok?!’ she barks at him. I ignore the rest, they quite often engage in unnecessary chatter. I find second Wilson in the bedroom. As usual he stares back at me gormlessly. Unlike second Wilson, I am a fine specimen, large and powerful, I resemble greatly my ancestors, strong jaw, ferocious appearance and a booming bark that can frighten any enemy. Still uncertain why humans felt it necessary to bring this second Wilson into the house. I think Female human must have taken pity on him, he has big brown eyes, and cute face that would make her fall for anything. I must protect her, ignorant as she is, as I am sure that this second Wilson would cause havoc if he were not properly kept in his place by me. I shout at him a bit to remind him who is boss around here
‘Aww look at this he’s barking at the mirror again’ calls Female human from top of the stairs.
Male human has now righted himself and is busy with unnecessary tasks. Female has decided to clean herself. Good, she usually has this air of awful rose scent around her. After a while male human exits the house. He does this quite often and I marvel at his lack of chivalry to leave a Female on her own defenceless. This is why I must step up, famously stupid as she is, someone must ensure she survives, Male is not bothered, and I worry less about him, as he at least engages in training with me daily.
Female human spends a few hours engaging in what can only be described as ‘flooping’ behaviour. This is quite usual for her. She will wonder slowly without purpose, picking things up, sometimes putting new fur on, sometimes brushing ridiculous fur on her head, sometimes even howling at the radio. Finally she is ready for a scouting mission. This is where I have her trained well. She puts my harness on so that I can lead her and she will not get lost. A likely outcome for her, Male seems more switched on, as manages to make it home from his scouting missions unscathed every day. I wait as she gathers unnecessary bags and items. I refrain from telling her it is un-required, she wouldn’t listen anyway. This morning she has not picked up a ball. Good, as I always have to carry it for her when she insists on throwing it away but then gets upset if I don’t collect it. Honestly its like having a puppy with this one!
‘Ready Wilson?’ why would she ask me this ridiculous question, who has been sat by the door, and who has been ‘flooping’ about for 15 minutes. She is ancient remember, give her some grace I tell myself.
We are off. Out the door, I'm on alert immediately, must sniff everything to pick up scents, check ground carefully for signs of hostile activity. I spot a feline in the distance. Female would not be able to sprint across to it so I can engage in paw to paw combat, and as my primary function is protecting Female human I settle on shouting. Female human gets the message and joins in
‘Wilson! Enough, stop that! It's a cat, it doesn’t want to be shouted at!’ I missed the finer points of her insults as couldn’t hear over my own booming shout. I give her encouragement on her shouting by looking up at her and wagging my tail.
Just as I am about to make my way to the green area by the house to start my rounds, female human opens the door to the moving house. Fine I think, we can perform safety checks on the moving house first. Then scout afterwards. Im rigid in my routine, but have learnt that I need to allow some flexibility for these humans. Jumping in the back I perform checks here, whilst Female human performs the mechanical operation checks up front. I allow her to do this task, as although I paint a picture of her as one with low intelligence, she has somehow learnt how to operate these sticks and wheels, and has not killed us yet. Unbelievable I know, but credit where credit is due.
We start moving, and having completed my safety checks back here, I can settle down as she always takes longer than me. I quite enjoy the rocking of the moving house, and sometimes it makes me drift off, this is acceptable as I have had a long night on patrol after all.
I wake to find Female human has not brought us home. 'Not in the schedule Female human' I shout at her.
‘Come on Wilson, it’s time for doggy day care, are you excited to see Sam?’
'Shit.' Sam commands respect and I like that in a human, but I had not expected to be at school today. I have work to do, which will now have to fall to second Wilson to complete. I sigh, this Female human really does not understand basic survival. I exit the moving house and wonder towards school with Female, other canines are also on their way in. At least they are like minded here, we usually spend the day discussing how idiotic our humans are. This one coming towards me now, has a particularly dense human who once attempted to bring a feline into his home. Laughable. At the gate now. Female human unattached herself from the harness, I jump up at her to say goodbye, who knows it maybe the last time I see her, I’m always pleasantly surprised to find she survives when I'm not around. A quick lick to show my affection and then I must get to work. School brings a new schedule to my day, and I must re-evaluate the situation before me. After sniffing Rufus at the rear to ensure he is no imposter we trot in together. Sam is already leading other canines in an exercise. She has sense to her, I will join in
‘Bye Wilson, see you later, love you’
'Good luck human, hope you survive'