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I Am a Cat

by Velonna Patrick 8 months ago in cat
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I Don’t Swish This Tail for Nothin’!


I am a cat. That was made clear to me the moment a human picked me up at cooed at me: “kitty!” they said. I don’t like humans picking me up most of the time. They seem to melt or lose their minds whenever they see me. I get it. I’m cute! And humans are so easy. I suppose when humans call me their “handsome little man” or their “baby boy” it isn’t so bad. As long as they feed me that is. I don’t swish this tail and roll over on my back for shits and giggles. It’s how I survive. 

The humans will let me get away with ANYTHING, just because of how cute they think I am. I can knock over something off the shelf and have my humans bitch and moan one moment, and then I just simply meow and blink my eyes and they’re suddenly losing their minds again. They’re just hypnotized. It’s absolutely fascinating. 

Most days I’ll lounge on their bed, grooming myself of the burs and thorns in my fur. Then the humans have to clean it up, so that I don’t have to. Their cleanliness is never ending, and so very useful. Their shoveling my poop out of my sand box is a bit odd though. What in Gods name would they want with it? I’ve attempted to study this behavior time and again by watching them scoop it out, and place it into a tiny bucket. I just can’t seem to figure it out! I guess there are some things a cat such as myself is never meant to figure out. 

After grooming myself thoroughly and watching them scoop out my poop, I’ll take advantage of the very meticulously built obstacle course placed so thoughtfully for me in the living room. It has a couch, some chairs, a bookshelf full of valuables and things to break at my whim. Wall hanging pictures to destroy! And of course, various places to sleep. 

Yes I suppose my life isn’t so bad. I sleep most of the day, and go hunting during the night. One thing about humans that irritates me is that they can’t hunt! I mean, they just can’t! I’ve tried to show them. I’ve brought in several birds, all of which were still alive so that they could practice catching and killing them. They certainly have the catching part down. But then they’ll have the audacity to release it right back into the air! After I spent HOURS catching the thing! I swear among the habits of scooping out poop and releasing perfectly good meals I daresay I question the human intelligence! They are clearly completely inept at surviving in the wild. I don’t know what they’d do without me. 

I’ve also brought in several mice of which they are TERRIFIED of. I brought in one mouse and the human woman the kids call “mum”, started screeching hysterically, jumping up on the counter and hiding from the small rodent that ran across the floor. No! You dumb human! It’s food! Not a threat! Ugh. The lack of understanding is immense. I will get through to them eventually. Then the human man will fretfully catch the mouse and release it again. The thing is going to die anyway, it always does. Now you’ve wasted a perfectly good snack. I sometimes question if I should give up on it.

Oh the lazy days of my life are just numerous. I honestly sometimes don’t know what to do other than sleep. It’s a struggle, really.


About the author

Velonna Patrick

My credentials: BA in English Literature with an Emphasis in Creative Writing

Two minors: Psychology and Chinese Language and Culture

Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing

Instagram: @velonnapatrick

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