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You Don't Have to Explain Yourself

You'll find the words eventually.

By M FPublished 5 years ago 13 min read
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Photo cred. Lyss & Chris Shepard

You want to move on. You so desperately do. Replace the very things, feelings, that you have lost; the good ones that is. The good that you once had.

You’re trying to understand things you’re not ready to yet. Things you can’t because you haven’t even processed yet. You might think you have, but you haven’t. Things you can't even explain because you have no words to everything you feel.

You tell yourself that you’re done. You’ve felt enough. You’ve over it, over them. You’re okay. And that may be true, one day. But, the next you may find yourself in a completely opposite state. Unable to fathom the things that you are feeling. The things that you so desperately want to put behind you. Hurting more than you’re willing to admit.

“it hurts right now, you’re tired of going through the same old shit. your heart is weary but you’re still powerful. strong enough to walk away, strong enough to choose yourself. strong enough to make it without the person you thought you needed."

—r.h. Sin

I know that you know that you can’t rush this. That you won’t just get over it in a week, but here you are. Doing the opposite.

You needed someone right now to come into your life like her, because you’ve never had anyone in your life treat you or say those things to you.

A small part of you thinking that maybe you’ll be the exception. That maybe what you’ve found won’t be a rebound. That you’re capable, ready for something more. That you’re okay. But, there’s also a part of you that knows that this most likely isn’t. A part of you that stops you from being able to be a hundred percent in, because there’s still a part of you that’s broken. A part that’s hurt. Not ready for something real yet. Wanting to move on, but you haven't even let go yet. You’re still stuck on page one while trying to turn to page two...

“We cannot heal what we refuse to acknowledge."

—Chloe of Ma’at

One of the biggest mistakes that we all make in the midst of pain and loss is rushing into something else just for the sake of having something. Even if our intentions aren’t bad. Running away, ignoring our realities and trying to create a new one. Running away from things that want to grow you, teach you. Not even realizing that you’re causing yourself more pain in the long run.

You want to heal. You don’t want to be broken, be hurt. Who does. But, you can’t heal and move on at the same time. You can’t truly close someone’s chapter while trying to open someone else’s. At least that is without consequences. For you, and for them.

“you don’t need to find someone or something to heal you. you are your own antidote. everything you need to move on lives within you."

—r.m. drake

It’s not fair to you, or to them. I totally understand you wanting to start something new and beautiful, something real. But, as real as it may feel now, it’s just a matter of time before the reality hits. It will catch up to you, sooner or later. Whether it causes problems in your new found love, or with you personally.

Destroying something that could have possibly been something great, making you wish that you had taken the time all a little too late. All the could be’s turning into could’ve beens. It's just a matter of time.

“and I’m sorry for hurting you while I was hurting. I just didn’t know what I was doing. I was selfish. I was wrong and I was thinking only about myself and what I was going through. I should have appreciated you a little more because now you’re gone and all I’m left with is regret. damn."

—r.m. drake

These things don’t end well. I know that all too well. And unfortunately, we never believe that truth until it becomes our truth. Until it hits home. Until the false reality and glimpse of happiness begins to fade into the reality that we refused to face the first time that we saw a glimpse of it.

The thing about healing that most of us don’t understand is that we don’t get to decide how long it takes us. The path it takes. Or the things that it makes us feel. The ways that it teaches us and helps us heal. One thing that is always true about healing is that real healing, isn’t easy. If it feels too easy, you heart is tricking you or trying to compensate in ways that are only temporary. It’s trying to protect you from the pain, the reality. It takes a conscious effort to do what’s best for you long term. Because none of us want to feel the ugliness that heart break has to offer us, running rampant through our consciousness. Feeling like it will destroy us never ending. Thinking that maybe wishing we never met them or hating them, possibly even blaming ourselves will make it easier. But, it won't. Because it was good and you were happy at one point. And the demons that tell us all those things make us feel a million different things. But the thing is that they can be tamed or they can haunt you. It's up to you.

“It is an act of bravery to feel your feelings."

—Gayle Forman

The thing with our pain, from the things that we experience is that it will stay with us as long as we let it. It will control parts of us, parts of our lives as long as we ignore it. And the feelings and emotions that come with it will affect us negatively, harmfully as long as they aren’t healthily acknowledged and dealt with. Coming in and out of our lives at times out of our control.

And as much as I want to help you, protect you from future pain and hurt. I can’t control you and the choices you make. I’m happy for you. I really am. But, this happiness as real as it may feel is an illusion. A bandaid for a wound unable to fully heal because it’s being covered up. But, eventually the bandaid will fall off. And it all will rush back to you. And you’ll feel like you’re drowning. Trying to just keep your head above water.

Left with yourself. Your happiness. Your thoughts. Your consciousness. Your heart. Your life. Only accountable to yourself. Living with yourself. I’ll be there trying to help you through it. Not telling you I told you so, just wishing that you had listened. Only because I’ve lived through it and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

“The finest souls are the ones who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it."

—Nizariat

You don’t just become emotionally available and okay overnight. You’re unavailable and that’s okay. But, you can’t keep telling yourself and everyone else that you are. Coming to that conclusion and accepting it is something you do out of self love and self care.

But, I guess maybe you just have to do this for you. You have to learn this first hand. Because the truth is, nothing that I say really matters. Not if you’re not ready to accept it, not if you don’t do it for you. Come to the conclusion for you.

You’re in denial. We’ve all been there. It’s okay. This all is a process with different learning curves for all of us. But, you will wake up eventually and have to face it. Dreams sadly don't last forever. We face our realities at some point whether we want to or not, ready or not.

Life will teach you many lessons. Some through happiness. Some through heartbreak. Some through loss. Some through triumph. But, most at least the important ones through pain. The hard ones, that stick with you. That you remember. Because those were the ones that really meant something.

“If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to others, then you deserve a long deeper than the ocean itself."

—Nikita Gill

You see it took me a long time to truly understand what all loving yourself means. Because to love yourself means doing what’s necessary even when you don’t want to. When no part of you wants to. It means doing what hurts now so it doesn’t hurt later. Being alone because you need to be alone. Not because you want to, not because it’s easy. But, because to ultimately love yourself means to take care of yourself in sickness and in health, good and bad. Physically. Intellectually. And especially emotionally.

You’re trying to fight things that aren’t mean to be fought. Putting up walls, trying to dismiss things that are important for you to feel and go through.

You have to love yourself before you can love another person. Know who you are before you lose yourself within someone else. Heal before you harm someone else. Take the time to put yourself back together, be broken before you can be whole again. Be confident in who you are before you depend on someone else’s opinions of you. Be happy with yourself before it becomes dependent on others. And not need anyone except yourself before you can’t live without anyone else. Everything that you think that others can give to you or fulfill for you, you can give to yourself. You need to give to yourself. Your sense of wholesomeness should never waiver. It’s a dangerous thing to allow parts of yourself to be given to others.

The right person and friends will never ask you to sacrifice a part of you. They would never ask that of you, take that from you. Anyone that wants to subtract from your life and who you are should not be an addition.

True self love, not the superficial type that people claim self-love is. The kind that helps you discover yourself, learn acceptance, accountability, and find peace. It will teach you so much about yourself, others, and this life. Teaching you things about yourself no one ever could. If you let it and grow from it, it will also save you from choices and people who are toxic, bound to hurt you. Self-love is probably one of the hardest, most important things that some discover while others are walked over their entire lives. An all encompassing core value that will teach you how to value yourself, love yourself, fight for what you deserve, be confident in who you are, discovering yourself, and in return learn how to show those things to others attracting those who are good for you.

Understand that pain is not weakness, and that the feelings and emotions that we all feel don’t have to be as scary as we make them. Learning to embrace and accept them instead of fighting them. And learning to accept the things that happen to us, that we and weren’t in our control. Doing the things that you need to do for yourself. Not caring what other people think because you know best for you. No longer reacting emotionally to the things that happen around you and that others do, but responding with understanding. No longer feeling like you owe anyone anything or need to explain yourself. And you can’t give what you don’t have. No one can take anything from you unless you give it to them, unless you allow it. Self love is an act of selflessness, not selfishness.

‘but darling, in the end, you’ve got to be your own here, because everybody’s busy trying to save themselves."

—c.t.

A beautiful thing that leads to inner peace and happiness that refuses to let anyone or anything change that. Not an easy one, but one that will give back to you more than you could ever imagine. Because all that pain, all those things that you didn’t want to go through, happened for a reason. All the pieces that made you feel broken will make you stronger. Strength comes from getting back up when you just want to stay down. It comes from overcoming adversity not casual walks in the park. The things that happen to us that we think are bad are only bad because we think they are. Perception is everything, but then again so is reality.

“the heartache will teach you, then peace will find you."

—Atticus

Because sometimes you need to be broken first, in order to learn how to walk again. There are a lot of things that will break your heart but will give you the opportunity to choose a different path, a better one. Broken and alone, relearning how to find yourself from the ground up. Reminding you that you’re human. And that your pain and your scars are never things that you should be ashamed of. Sometimes they’ll hurt and you’ll remember, but they won’t make you feel broken anymore. They won’t control you anymore.

“we are made of all those who have built us and broken us."

—Atticus

This is time that you need. And I’m sorry that you had to go through all of this to get to this point. That you’re finally realizing it. But please understand that you will make it through this. That you have so much to learn and grow about yourself, about life. You’ll be amazed at what happens when you allow yourself the time to feel the things that you don’t want to feel, but don’t allow them to control you. The things they have to teach you are the things that sometimes you just have to experience and feel because no one ever listens when others talk about them. How much we love ourselves in seen in everything that we do. And it’s wrong for you to expect others to love you if you don’t love yourself, to fill your cup if you don’t even know how. If only, you learned to love and care about yourself as much as you do others. The day you do, that will be a transformative day.

“she turned sadness into art. she turned pain into power. she took what little they gave her and made it more valuable."

—r.h. Sin

You don’t have to explain yourself. You’ve never had to. Maybe you truly don’t even know how to. But when you can’t explain yourself, maybe you should take some time to figure out all the things that you are unable to put words to right now. Because when you are able to explain, you’ll be able to understand. One step closer to healing and moving on. It takes time and comes in waves.

Acceptance. Closure (the kind that you give to yourself). Letting go. Moving on. And then usually forgiveness (for you, not because they deserve it necessarily but because you do). Peace with what all happens and the feelings and emotions involved. Be patient with yourself. Love yourself enough to not try to rush something that meant so much to you once. Take the time now so you don't have to later. Take your power back by loving yourself enough to do this for yourself. Healing is something you do for yourself. Being single is an act of self-love too. It has nothing to do with not being wanted or worthy. It takes an incredibly strong person to be single, by choice.

The greatest love that you will ever feel and know is the one that you can give to yourself.

The more you love yourself, the more you can love others. This, everything you’re going through now doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less lovable. If anything, it makes you more. It’s a new kind of love that you become capable of when you learn to love yourself first. And by learning to love yourself you will find yourself.

At the end of the day, you have to choose you.

healing
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About the Creator

M F

Your Feelings Are Valid Author. Chainsmokers and Fletcher fanatic. Quote lover. More emotional than your typical Capricorn. TPA. ISTJ. Lesbian. Asian.

Insta: @garnishdaddy. Owner of Native Cocktail Events

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  • Testabout a month ago

    Outstanding work, Loved it! keep up the good work!

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