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Writing when You don't Want to

A willpower story

By RinnaPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 4 min read
3
Right now..why?

Let me tell you what it is like for me to write at this stage of my life.

Here I am staring at my computer screen, two pillows supporting my aching back, a soft blanket wrapped around my feet and the sound of the passing cars momentarily taking me back to the present, I gathered all my fleeting will to type words. It doesn't matter whether it makes sense right now. It will make sense, for whatever it is worth. I pressed the keyboard and wrote whatever word, my fidgeting brain processed for me. What a whirlwind of agonising thoughts. I was transported back to the past and forced to remember what it is like in reality. As if a syringe containing a considerable dosage of envy was injected in my blood, I felt the pangs of jealousy. The night was still and everyone else I know must be asleep. Look how tempting the silence is. Slumbering is sweet! And tomorrow they are ready for the day while you detest the sound of the passing vehicles and the ray of sunlight hitting right through your face. Was it me talking to myself in the middle of the night? I swear I heard someone say, "Do you really want to go through this again? I mean what for?" As if to highlight the err in this decision, Simon Sinek's voice that tells me to 'know your why' was reverberating in my head. I should have a badge of honour in watching too many podcasts. "What a wonderful machine you are," I silenced my mind. I know how overthinking can be quite paralysing. I decided to just take the plunge and whatever comes, I'll take it with courage. If that sounded brave and hopeful, you read me wrong. I'm apprehensive and if I'm being honest, I'm a bit disappointed towards myself. "What is it about you that couldn't seem to divorce the love for words and for writing?" I heard myself out loud. "I don't have to be reminded of the arduous process, the sleepless nights, the struggle against self doubt, I know all of it, thank you very much!" It was a cold-hearted and sharp reply to attention seeking voice in my head. I kept going...

Many people have their purpose in writing all figured out. I don't pretend to know mine. If only I could pinpoint that small dot, maybe, just maybe, it will be different. It is a missing piece, a highly required piece that remains hidden or probably lost. Will I ever find it? Who knows? For my writing attempts are as countless as the years of my life minus the years when I couldn't read and write. If I'm not mistaken, even during the stage of my life when all I could do is coo and cry to be pacified of hunger, of thirst and of comfort, even then, I was already musing about everything. Probably, the very first question I asked myself from birth was 'why'. So there you go Simon Sinek, I have always wondered about my why. In fact, there's just too many why's that I tried to figure out all my life. The trouble is I just didn't get the answer. Maybe not just yet. Maybe not at all. My dependable laptop suddenly announced, "It's 1 oclock!" My heart leaped for a second. I forgot to turn the volume down. "That's cruel," I muttered silently. "What is?," the voice inside me asked. It's that grandiose announcement of the time in full blast in the middle of the night, er, morning... it's that harsh pull back to the reality that I probably don't have time for anything else, specifically of anything that requires painstaking love...it's that constant reminder of the limitedness of everything, including of my time, my ability, my patience, this life, this world, this universe.. everything! Now that is what I'm calling cruelty.

And then a flurry of tasks rushed through my mind. "What is this..an escape?" I can hear my mother voice nagging me and taunting me to remember my deadlines, my appointments, the assessments that I have yet to fulfill to finally receive my certifications. "Wake up! You've been through this all your life, and they were all just beginnings." That was a slap in the face. How many beginnings without endings do I really want to create? There must be a closure at one point. It just needs to happen. It's an unspoken law in a story, in a relationship, in life. Every beginning has an ending. As is the case in most things, deviating from the natural law leads to chaos and confusion. I agreed. I have no justification. I know that multitudes of people have already found their beginnings and are certain of their endings. In my case, I'm still waiting. Whether or not I will ever understand why and how, I just began.

goals
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About the Creator

Rinna

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