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Why Penguins Don’t Divorce

Finding Your Way through the Trauma of Moving Forward to a Healthier Life

By M. MichaelPublished 3 years ago Updated 3 years ago 5 min read
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Why Penguins Don’t Divorce
Photo by Dylan Shaw on Unsplash

By M. Michael

“Penguins mate for life, they are different from humans, they are better than humans.” This line from a show I was watching caught my attention. I was married twice, once for three years and once for forty years and I don’t know many people who haven’t gone through a divorce or the end of a serious relationship. In response to the quote above, wildlife, like penguins, are certainly governed more intensely by instincts. They also live in a challenging and a very prescribed environment.

You’re Not a Penguin

Saying “they are better than humans”, is projecting a value about separating from a mate based on a comparison between diverse species. Yet, there are many people suffering years of guilt from not making a marriage work; not “mating for life”. There are institutions, religious and other, even certain individuals that compound that guilt if the person moves ahead with their life, ending a relationship.

My first husband and I had no children and basically “split the Aspirin bottle” and did our own divorce. It still hurt but that is not the usual situation. There are many different levels of complexity when couples split, but rejecting a strong underlying feeling of the need to move on and take our lives in different directions can cause us to die inside. It can force so much energy trying to make something right that isn’t right. It can stifle creativity and possibly rob the world of an inspired life.

I’ve worked with people for many years with a therapy that taught them to practice inner calming daily, I taught them ways to quiet the inner chaos thus diminishing the chemistry of emotion overtaking their bodies and minds. When facing the end of a relationship, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed with emotions and suffering with a mind that is in a loop of conflicting emotions. For some folks it becomes a part, sometimes a large part, of the milieu of factors contributing to low self esteem limiting their ability to move forward in life in more positive directions.

But, one struggling with the decision to leave a relationship behind may wonder, “How do I face such a painful and complex situation healthfully”.

Freeing Your Body and Mind from the Assault of Emotion is the Most Important Step

First, don’t expect moving on to be easy or without pain. Many time people don’t move on because they cannot face the complexity or the pain. As much as you can, look inward, focus on yourself, not the external situation. Find a way to build inner calm and focus and practice that daily. Find a way to remove your mind from obsessing about the “situation”. This may be from a form of meditation, or concentration exercises, maybe a physical practice like yoga that you practice daily. It may come from devoting some time and mental focus to something that takes your mind to another place; a happier place like crafting or creating art, writing, walking, taking a class, or cooking creatively.

If the situation is dire and threatening take care of yourself, research safe places you could escape to in order to free yourself from the destructive terror that is manipulating you to fulfill other’s need, not your own. There are places you can go for safety. They exist. There are people who can help. Yes, leaving, escaping to somewhere until you can feel safer seems daunting but you must find a way to free your mind of the fear in order to find a way to move on. Even those of you in the face of a threatening situation must take some moments each day to focus your minds, as suggested above. Spend some time each day calming the inner chaos that is stopping you from moving on to a better life. Calming yourself and staying as focused as possible can, at times, even calm the danger or negativity that surrounds you.

Talking Therapies Can Help, but Too Often Knowing Isn’t Doing

There are therapists or life coaches you can talk with about strategies for moving on, they can help you see that that guilt is unnecessary; that you can move beyond indecision, but knowing isn’t always doing. So, seeing a professional to talk about your situation may or may not be what you need in order to help you free yourself from the emotions that are stopping you from moving on. If it’s helpful, use it, if it isn’t helping you move forward in a positive direction maybe take a break. Sometimes a therapist or coach is the only one in a person’s life who isn’t judgmental; the only person one can talk freely to. If that is the role they fill for you that’s fine. Be sure, though, you are finding strategies from them or from practices such as mentioned above that are helping you diminish the emotions that are limiting you; that are helping you clear your mind.

Deal with the Minutia

There are lawyers or low cost community services available to help you with the necessary and seemingly daunting minutia involved with formally ending a marriage. Research them even if you are not ready to turn that direction. Knowing where you can turn when you’re ready will help remove some of the inner chaos that is clogging your mind and accelerating your emotions. And remember, in threatening situations, safety nets exist, research them so you will know where to turn if you have to for your safety.

We humans evolve within a complex and changing world as we grow emotionally and intellectually sometimes we outgrow relationships. Holding on to something out of fear or out of indecision based on an inner chaos of emotions is a sad way to live and, as said above, may rob the world of an inspired life.

Author Bio

M. Michael developed a method of mental training called Neuro-Therapy Training which she has used for over 30 years one-on-one with clients and taught professionally to therapists and life coaches to enhance to their more cognitively-based approaches. www.therapyofthefuture.com

self help
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M. Michael

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