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Why It Is Important to Say No

Sometimes in life, we want to please everyone but that leads us to forgetting about ourselves. Read to find out why it is important to say no.

By Carol TownendPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Photo by Andy Tootell on Unsplash

I used to be a people pleaser, and that means that I used to say yes to everything, including to things I really didn't want to do. I would put everyone else before myself, neglecting my own wants and needs along the way. If someone told me not to talk to someone, then I'd do it. If they asked me to behave in a certain way, I'd do it. If they asked me to do something or go somewhere where I was uncomfortable, I'd do it. No matter what the consequences, as long as I could make people happy, it didn't matter, until I got older and realized that people, including loved ones, were using me and depending on me far too much. I realized something had to change. However, I was uncomfortable with this change because I felt that changing my attitude would mean losing people. I had no self esteem and no confidence in myself, and I saw losing people, even those who were unhealthy for me, as a bad thing. Saying no was impossible, because I felt that everybody would hate me for it.

The wake up call was when I realized that saying yes to everything meant that I was unable to build my own life and reach my own goals. I had no time to concentrate on any of my passions or study and write. Writing was always my big career dream, and studying was very important as I had underachieved at school, then lost the certificates I did achieve in a break-in in my young adulthood. It was like I was a walking robot, here for everyone but myself and self-care also went out of the window. Eventually I became a loner. People didn't want to be out doing leisure things with me because I was "too busy" doing things for others, or desperately trying to go beyond my limits to please my family just to keep the peace. I was struggling to find any work and build up on my writing career. I wanted to sing, but kept cancelling at the request of those telling me I shouldn't. I gave up doing makeup because it took too much time and I started to go into a very deep depression, as well as losing a sense of who I was. It felt like I wasn't human, just a walking robot, who switched on at the demand of everyone else, and I felt like a mug and a waste of space.

So, what was the problem? The answer, I was too sensitive to everybody else's needs and as a result I was insensitive to mine. I didn't know how to prioritise myself, because when I tried, I got complained at and called selfish. I had to break the cycle and find a way to make my own life my own. This was not easy, and each time I said no, I was worried that everybody would be mad at me, leave me, and would hate me for it.

How did I learn to say no? My turning point came when I decided to write my book and write for the web. I started to understand why I wasn't managing to get tasks done, and I had to make myself fit that into my life. I wrote down a list of things I wanted to achieve in my life, and set myself goals. I highlighted priority goals in yellow and non-priorities in red. I then made a rule, and that was while I was concentrating on priority goals I would let everyone else take responsibility for themselves while I achieved them. I also had to understand that it was my choice if I decided to go to that concert, dress in a certain way, do certain things, and which foods I ate. I put self-care at the top of my list and made sure that those priorities such as needing to see a doctor, appointments, getting my hair done, bathing and hygiene routines, etc... came first. Once I had done this, I then had the big task of saying no, which was extremely difficult to begin with because everyone argued with me and tried manipulating me because they realized I was a soft touch. I had to teach myself to not be afraid, whether it was my husband or other family members, or friends and some professionals. I had to learn hard not to let people place inappropriate demands on me, like expecting me to go or be somewhere else when I already had an important appointment or meeting, and I had to remember that I was worth my writing career and achieving my study goals.

Doing the above gave me the opportunity to fit more space in my life, and I started going beyond just saying no to certain things. For example, if I wanted to go somewhere different but the other person constantly insisted I should do it to fit their schedule, then I would say no, and do it if I knew it benefited me. I had to do this, because it got to a point where I was not allowed to go see a film, play, concert or even go to a pub if no one else liked it, or it didn't fit in with their life. The problem here was that schedules were tricky, and sometimes I would miss out on doing things that I wanted because it didn't suit others, also study and work became erratic, because I would be interrupted to deal with events that could be dealt with later.

Making the effort to teach myself to say no means I now have a life, and I am a strong independent woman who makes decisions and choices that are healthy for me. I have space and time to do the things I love, care for myself, enjoy my studies and my writing. I get to appointments and go out with friends not just to do what they want, but to do what I want too, and I get time to myself. You might think when you have family and friends who asked for favours, that it is selfish to say no. However, it isn't. Saying no is sometimes essential for your well-being and everyone has the right to be who they are and look after just themselves. Saying yes to everything causes your individuality to strip away from you, and eventually it will teach you to depend on others rather than be independent. So go ahead! For a more positive life, learn to say no.

happiness
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About the Creator

Carol Townend

Fiction, Horror, Sex, Love, Mental Health, Children's fiction and more. You'll find many stories in my profile. I don't believe in sticking with one Niche! I write, but I also read a lot too.

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