Why I'm Publishing Sub-Par Writing

Confession: I am writing and publishing things that aren't perfect. They're not even great. Why? 

If I didn't, I wouldn't be publishing anything at all. 

So yeah, I'm aware that the posts I'm putting out are not my best work. I hope you'll stick it out until I show you what I know I can do. I'd really appreciate that. I don't know how long that will take, though. 

I'm willing to bet some of you have been in a place like this, which is one reason I'm laying it all out there. Another is in case you have not been in a place like this but will be someday. Then hopefully you'll remember you are not alone.

So here's why I am deliberately rushing to put things out before I feel they are ready. (When I'm confused, I make lists.)

1. I hadn't written for years before starting again last fall. 
2. I'm still recovering from a long-coming burnout/breakdown in the fall. (Correct, this is not a coincidence. I started writing again because of what happened.)
3. Specifically, because of the above, my focus is still shot. My desire to do things for other people is gone. I am allergic to any hint of inauthenticity in my self-expression. 
4. At the same time, I am anxious about pleasing other people. The last while has done a real number on me. I have to actively try to connect with what I want.
5. There are many things I want to write about. I need to just get each done quickly and move on to the next on the list. 
6. Honestly, I may be afraid that if I actually try, I still might not be good enough. This way I have an excuse. (I used to not wear makeup because I was afraid that I would still not be pretty even with makeup on. Now I don't wear makeup because I hate the way it feels.)
7. I may be challenging myself to be deliberately, openly imperfect, and be ok with rejection/not being read, etc. I really want this writing thing to be for me first and not for likes or money. Yet.
8. I have found out I am really competitive, but I don't want to be competing with the bigwig writers out there. So that's another struggle. 

There are probably more reasons. Who knows. I'm a weirdo. 

The thing is, I L-O-V-E to write and could see myself pursuing it as a job. Apparently, that means I need to niche down, pick a direction and go for it. I'm definitely not ready for that. 

Right now I am writing brain-dumps like this, articles about weird pets, summarizing research on depression memes, and stream-of-consciousness flash fiction. Where am I supposed to go with that??

I have no idea, so I'm just going to keep going down the path with the faith it is leading somewhere.

I know some of you will absolutely get it. I know others of you will not. That's fine. Please know that I really appreciate you reading this. And I hope your own creative pursuits are going much more smoothly.

Maybe you can use this as a reminder to center yourself in your creations. To put yourself first. That would make me very happy.

In the meantime, expect to see some more sorta okay writing from me.

The subjects will be fairly random, as will the formats. There will probably be a lot more about mental health, and getting and staying sane. 

I may also just keep communicating through memes when sentences are just too much. Canva's the best. 

Write on!

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Thanks so much for reading!! Likes and tips are highly appreciated. And visit Erica Thinks Too Much.

Originally published at http://ericamartaball.com on March 12, 2021.