Why Do You Attract What You Attract?
Attracting From WOUNDS vs. From WORTH
The beginning of the spiritual journey can be exciting and fun. You're buying crystals, incense, and getting into tarot maybe. Then there's the part where you start going deeper and find wounds that went so deep that they had scar tissue covering them from being opened again and again and not properly healing. Some ways into my journey I discovered that I was in fact attracting relationships from my wounds and not my worth. I learned that in some ( most) relationships I was anxious and clingy and in others I was avoidant. When I learned this all of my past intimate encounters and relationships flashed in my mind's eye and everything clicked. I would get really mad at these guys that were coming in and out of my life and the issue really did lie within ME. They just happened to be pointing things out to me about myself and I didn't even realize it.
When I was in anxious/clingy mode I was attracting avoidant partners. Partners that either were just using me because I would deal with it to keep their bread crumbs of attention or those that were just trying to get their own holes filled. I think that for the majority of my life I have operated from this anxious/clingy wound even outside of intimate relationships. My days would be filled with thoughts of ¨ How can I be pretty enough, maybe if I clean the house, do dishes and make dinner, be a ¨good¨ woman, crochet him a blanket even though I don't really feel like it, maybe if I jump up and down and through fiery hoops then I can get the attention I need to feel validated and good enough.¨ I didn't realize I was operating like this, it felt so normal and automatic. Know I know why I was so mentally exhausted. I felt a little sad for myself for acting so clingy and desperate because of a wound that occurred in childhood. But awareness is good so onward and upward.
After spending all of that time in anxious/clingy/ desperate-for-love mode the pendulum swung to the other extreme and I became avoidant. I became avoidant out of fear that I wouldn't get what I needed, a band-aid for my wound. I was the one who didn't care this time and then was attracting those who were anxious/clingy to the point that the responsibility of having to constantly validate them suffocated me. These relationships ended with me being angry for being used to make someone feel good about themselves. I was mad because they weren't with me because they really had feelings for me. They were with me for the attention I gave them, the ego boost. And their desperateness was a turn-off. This made me feel bad about myself again. It made me feel again, that I wasn't worthy just for being me. After some time, reflection and healing, it dawned on me that these guys were showing me exactly how I behaved when I was anxious/clingy. I was a sad adult girl that was still attaching herself to anything that had the slightest glimmer of hope of getting my wounds patched up. I became grateful that they were sent to my life to show me where I needed to still heal.
After all of this, and it's very cliché, but it really did take all this time and my own self induced suffering to come to this: These wounds were inflicted on me in childhood but those who inflicted them were operating from their own wounds. Realizing this led to forgiveness and release of those wounds. I learned that I was inherently worth so much I didn't have to prove that. I don't need to add anything to myself, do anything extra or wear masks of who I think I need to be. I'm pretty great on my own. And why the heck are we getting involved with anyone we feel we have to change ourselves to be with anyway?
So now, I invite you take a look at the situations, places, jobs and relationships you're in and ask yourself: Is this serving me? Is this what I really want to be doing or is it toxic? Am I trying to look outside of myself to heal my wounds? Are there things I can learn from this to heal my wounds and grow? See what comes up for you. Thanks for reading.