When I Stopped Being Envious and Got Inspired

To tell you the truth I was envious of women who have peace within themselves. What exactly did that look like? That pitiful image was of me scrolling endlessly on Instagram staring at women who seemingly had it all until I cried. It was the typical self-sabotage that we all go through at one point. The worst part was I was so lost in thinking about what I lacked that I didn’t even do anything about it at first. I found myself in a hole so deep it seemed impossible to escape.

The woman who inspired me to want to get out of that hole was Rihanna. It’s not a fangirl inspiration either although I do enjoy her as an artist. I saw her as a woman who doesn’t compete with the next woman because she’s sure of herself. I admired how she carried herself and how humble she was. She seemed secure and a lover of life despite whatever happens. I’m not sure if she’ll ever know that her simply living life was the motivation I needed. I was listening to her song “Cheers (Drink To That)” and one part really hit me. She said life was too short to be miserable. It hit me because it really was! I acknowledged that there was something missing and whatever it was, it was the reason why I was miserable.

At first, I didn’t take the approach you might’ve assumed. I didn’t start the healing process properly. I didn’t let go of hurtful things I said to myself or what others said. I also didn’t stop envying other women. I began looking everywhere to find whatever magic potion people drank to be effortlessly beautiful and incredibly rich. I was looking for a secret wig, diet tip, or anything that I could acquire that I thought would ease the war within myself. That was my problem because none of that was going to help. If I won the lottery, of course, I would have money, but what about my happiness? If I found the perfect wig, I would have to take it off one day. I’m embarrassed to say that I thought materialistic or superficial things would fix how I valued myself.

I’ll never forget October of 2019. That’s when my spirit was tired of being neglected and tired of me being my biggest enemy. It was a particular morning when Rihanna had posted a biblical verse. I always admired when she did that because it demonstrated that she had faith in an ideology that helped her remain level-headed. That to me meant that I had to have faith in my journey while unlocking my potential. Rihanna was also admirable because of her ambition. She’s one of the most celebrated artists, has an extremely successful makeup brand, and the ambassador of Barbados. She is where she is because she believed. She was there because she knew she was Rihanna and nobody else. I was never going to go anywhere by wishing. That was foolish thinking. It was also foolish to want to look like anybody but myself. I didn’t want to feel something as ugly as jealousy because it was like shackles on my ankles. More than ever I wanted to feel free. I needed a sense of self-identity. That to me was freedom. When you are confident in the life you will live and the skin you’re in, happiness begins to manifest. When you’re certain, nobody can take that from you. When I tuned into her life, I saw the epitome of freedom. I saw a beautiful woman shamelessly living carefree. She is extremely fortunate but humble and I think that’s why I gravitated towards her. I know if Rihanna was as pessimistic as I used to be she wouldn’t be who she is today. I do not believe we are supposed to struggle as much as we do. I don't think life has to be hard.

I started to journal. Not just typical journaling but scripting. Scripting is a creative way of manifesting positive things into your life. You write as if what you want is already present in your life. Scripting teaches you to have faith. I wrote down everything I wanted in life. I wrote about the car, house, job, and husband I wanted. I have an online business I’m currently prepping for that makes my heart sing. I wanted a career where I could create and make a great salary to support the lifestyle I envisioned. Whenever that negative voice in mind answered that question I responded by saying it simply was not true. Of course, I was realistic with what I wanted and I also put in some work behind those desires. I wrote about the trips I’d take around the world. I had a bit of a wanderlust streak. I’m talking about Ghana, Canada, Japan, Puerto Rico, etc. Affirmations helped my self-esteem quite a lot. I started telling myself that I was enough and that I am beautifully made. I am going to do everything my little heart desires. Scratch that. I already have the life I wrote about.

You won’t believe what happened next! My heart started to feel gratitude. The feeling was absolutely enlightening. I couldn’t help but say THANK YOU! I was grateful to have gained the REAL secret to internal peace. I kind of felt like how the Grinch felt when his heart grew three sizes. Gratitude does a lot and one thing Rihanna did was express her gratitude. I realized I had something valuable and it wasn’t anything I could physically get my hands on.

Simply changing the way you think can really affect your life. A cool thing I noticed was whenever I would walk outside the butterflies would fly closer to me. People at my university began walking up to me and starting conversations. Money started to come from different directions that I never expected. I went out more and came across amazing people who had the same goal as me. Things began to align in a very divine way. The war within myself pushed away from the little things I wanted even when nobody really knew what was going on with me at the time. It's crazy to think my negative energy was such a repellant. It was blocking all of my blessings.

Rihanna is radiant. She is the type of woman that leaves people with a sense of hope. Not to mention the charitable work she does. It’s inspiring because I’ve always dreamt of creating a better environment for people and animals. Her main message with Fenty Beauty was that she wanted to include every woman. That was beautiful to me because she was able to create something sensational since she was comfortable with herself enough to want other women to shine.

Our lives are a reflection of what we’re thinking. The moment I realized that rule of life it all made sense why I wasn’t living as I wanted. I still struggle like any other human being with being optimistic. I wanted to write this in the hopes of someone struggling with envy. Envy does nothing but helps us remain stagnant. It keeps us like a caterpillar when we could be a butterfly. Women are so incredible and it’s so much better to support the next woman even if you’re not where you want to be just yet. Those things I wrote down are slowly coming into fruition. I am proud to say that I have adjusted the pair of lenses I was looking through when looking at myself. A life lived without loving yourself is a life wasted.