I set myself on fire many times to keep people warm, and in the process I suffered first degree burns. I have deep tissue scars that will take skin grafts to fix. I'm the surgeon who must fix them. I need an isolated room to conduct the surgery. It will take time. In the process, I'll learn of better ways to keep people warm without sacrificing myself. I'm a giver and that I cannot change, I care, my name follows my acts. It's who I am. I just need to do it without neglecting taking care of me. This time it is me teaching myself to look after myself, so I can be around to look after everyone else. I had to go back and read that again, not to correct the grammar or to make it sound or read a little better, but to hear myself read those words again. If I wasn't where I am right now, I would have read that out loud, just so I could hear my voice saying it. Coming to think about it, the voice you hear when you think, why does it not make a sound? Or does it? If it does, it definitely doesn’t sound like my talking voice. I stray, back to the topic at hand.
It was during the process of penning this post that I realised that I have not done much reflecting in a long while. I have been cruising through my days and just hoping for the best. I have not really been in the driving seat. I find myself being reminded by myself the importance of self-reflection. So, while I have isolated myself to perform surgery on my burn wounds, I need to reflect. Since we are on the surgery tip, I need to remind myself of the operating procedure, so as to perform a successful surgery. That just complicated my life so fast, I decided to ditch that analogy (you are welcome). Anyway, I am at a point in my life where I am realising that my way of showing up and of being is in more ways than one, me being not very kind to me. This poses a new problem, and I need to solve it. I took steps to do so. I started by dropping out of social media space. Social media in this instance being Instagram and Facebook. I have turned off my private mobile phone.
At this point, my finances are up to sh*t, I have tried to balance my budget, but it does not seem to want to come together. I have more months than income. I have added unforeseen expenses to it. I can draw a picture of how where I find myself financially is a result of trying to keep people warm by lighting myself up. That would be trying to get sympathy from you, and at the same time, shifting responsibility and being a prick who thinks he is a victim. I am not a victim, nor a prick, so I am going to take up responsibility of my situation. I have realised that my course of action has disappointed a few people, but that is not my story, though I have to honestly say that I knew that when I take this life route, I will disappoint people. Before I got here where I am right now in my head, that bothered me. I wanted to have set the ball rolling in January, yet I got to that point in March.
Things were bad and they were as bad as I thought. The action I took forced me into a corner where I really needed to take a look deep inside of myself and extract the truth about me. I realised that the time for bullsh*tting myself was long gone. I had conversations with myself and this time, brutally honest ones. I know now what I need to do. I know how to help myself. I know how to heal myself. I know that I am sh*t scared of taking that first step. I have self-doubt, and what is irritating me about this self-doubt is that, again, it’s about me overcoming the need to solve people’s problems, making sure that everyone is okay. I do have a solution, I have done the behind the scenes work—time to execute. I need to grow the balls to actually do what I have been telling you many times to do: Be kind to you and know your story from their story. Time to be the man of my words. This is hard, this is what I need to do, and this is what I am going to do. It might not seem like it for a while, but I believe that when the dust settles, I will be the best version of myself yet. I will be a better father, a better partner, a better brother, a better son, a better all-round individual.
I am finally throwing fear out of the window so that these lessons that have come to find me can have room to breed and grow. The fear that I’m throwing out will push me from behind and not stand in front of me anymore. It might get lonely and cold for a while, but that will be an indication of dawn just before a beautiful sunrise.