What It Really Means to Love Yourself

Self love is a concept that's taken the internet by storm in recent years.

Some think it's beautiful and fill their social media profiles with inspiring quotes and posts about treating yourself kindly with books, tea, and bubble baths. Some look at those posts and sneer, thinking that this is all meaningless. And some are caught somewhere in the middle, wanting to love themselves, but finding the shallowness of the concept to be unsatisfying.

Because it is. Bubble baths and power quotes have nothing inherently wrong with them. The quotes are harmless and may be motivating to someone. Bubble baths are a good way to take a break and recharge, and adding some relaxing essential oils like lavender can make them a good way to ease stress or anxiety. Tea is amazing and should be consumed at any opportunity.

But are these things what it means to have self love?

No.

Because, in reality, what people are looking for is not 'self love', per se. Love has a lot to do with it, but the main issue is respect and accountability. The people who really struggle with a lack of self love may even go as far as to say they hate themselves. And if you hate something, do you respect it? Do you take care of it -- physically, emotionally, or mentally? Do you work hard to keep it safe, healthy, and happy?

These issues are deep rooted, and a simple quote that says 'love youself' or something of that nature isn't going to change your mindset. It isn't going to make you take care of yourself. A nice cup of tea or a bath isn't going to make you stop viewing yourself as worthless.

It takes hard work, patience, diligence and accountability to take care of yourself. Self care isn't always fun; in fact, the kind of self care that really matters is often very difficult and not at all enjoyable. Self care, essentially, isn't about doing what you want; it's about doing what you need. You may want to spend all day in bed watching your favourite show, but you need to have a shower. You need to get yourself to doctor's appointments and to brush your teeth. You need to clean the kitchen and make yourself stick to the coping mechanisms that you've learned.

Don't settle for being comfortable and call it self love. Self love is pushing yourself; it's about growing, learning, failing, and getting up again. Self love involves accepting yourself as you are now, of course -- but it's more than that; it's also means reaching for the better you that's around the corner.

Because that you is attainable, but not if you're not willing to work on yourself. And part of working on yourself means recognizing the parts that need to change.

And change is another thing that the internet's concept of self love fails to include, and that's because it promotes a skewed idea of accepting yourself for who you are. Which is a lovely concept in theory, but in practice, it spells disaster. Because loving and accepting yourself does not mean looking at the negative or toxic parts of your personality and thinking 'that's just who I am.'

You are human; you are allowed to have flaws. And self acceptance means not hating yourself for having flaws.

But that doesn't exempt you from trying to correct them.

For example: Imagine you have a dog that you love, but he pees on the carpets. Would you allow this dog to continue his bad behaviour, ruining your carpets and making your home unsanitary and unwelcome for guests? Would you just accept his bad behaviour and tell everyone 'that's just how he is'?

No, you're going to take the time and make the effort to housetrain the dog, because you care enough about him to fix what's unacceptable, so that you can keep him around.

The point? Care enough about yourself to work hard on what is unacceptable, so you can keep yourself around.

For instance, are you prone to being negative or stubborn? Do you have trouble apologizing, even when you're at fault? Do you tend to lash out at others, or manipulate them into doing what you want them to? Does this issue cause problems in your relationships? Does it make you feel negatively about yourself?

Whatever unacceptable behaviour you find in yourself, the first step is to acknowledge it -- without judgement, without shame, without fear. Identify when it shows up in your life, and why it lingers. Call it what it is, and don't shy away from it.

Once you've acknowledged it, the next thing is to accept it. Accept that it is wrong, that it has hurt you and perhaps others in your life. Accept responsibility for the pain that has been caused -- make yourself accountable.

But don't stop there. Don't stay in the state of accepting and acknowledging the bad, letting it continue to reign over your life. You have the power to change; that is the beauty of being human. We are flawed, but we are naturally creatures of growth. We love to change and adapt and grow. We thrill at the chance to become new again and again.

It is in our very nature to change the way we are, so why would you want to stay stagnant, merely accepting yourself for what you currently are?

You can change; you can learn to love and value yourself -- not because you accept all your flaws as simply 'the way you are', but because you care enough about yourself to become better than the way you are. You put the work in, and as you see the good results, loving yourself won't be so difficult.

Self love is a long road, and it's never an easy one. It's a road I've been travelling for years, and I'm not there yet. But I can see progress, and that's enough to make it worth the effort and the time I've put into myself.

And if I'm worth the effort, I must be worth loving too.