What does it really mean to heal yourself?

You hear all the time that you need to heal the wounds of your past before you can really be able to move on and move forward. But what does that really mean? How do you really do that?

Experts always say that you will keep repeating the mistakes of your past relationships until you can heal yourself. The idea is that you keep doing the same mistakes over and over. That is, until you can heal yourself, and heal the wounds of your past. But no matter how many times that I have heard this, I never really knew what they meant or how to do it. They never tell you exactly how this is done. They always just say that you have to do it.

While I could see how that is true, that didn't mean I really understood. That is, until recently.

I had just started a relationship with a man that I really liked. A guy that seemed to be a good guy, wanting the same thing. He got me with his love for kids, and his dedication to his own. Unfortunately, in this day and age, that is not a common thing to find. Being that we were both single working parents, of course our time was limited. I understood, given the circumstances, at first. After a short time, my patience started running thin. There is a difference between not having a lot of time, and not having any time. Once again, I found myself in a relationship with someone that appeared to have any interest in making time for me. Someone that figured I would just be there whenever they felt like making time for me, but didn't really have to put in any effort or make me a part of their life. I found myself wondering how I found myself in the same situation again. I even remember asking myself, how did you get into the same relationship over and over again. How did you let this happen?

That was the lightbulb moment for me. The moment that I said to myself, oh that is what they mean. I looked at myself, and my past relationships. Seeing a very clear trend with how I was always treated. I always ended up with men that made promises, never made time for me, never made me a part of their life and thought they didn't have to put in any real effort. While of course, it's easy to balm them. I knew that the person to balm was myself. I could see that I was the one that let them get away with it. It really is true that you teach people how to treat you. I was the one that didn't demand any real effort from them, that didn't make them show up. I was the one that kept choosing people that didn't show up for me.

Why did I do that? Why did I keep doing that?

I honestly didn't know the real answer at first. It's a hard question, harder than you may think. Hard, mainly because you don't want to say the answer. I knew that I really had to be honest with myself. So I took a break from dating to reflect on myself. I really wanted to find a way to heal.

I made sure that I wrote in a journal every day for 60 days. I wrote about anything and everything that was in my head. Reflections on the day, things that had happened, thoughts that were in my head. Reflecting and getting it out of my head really helped me to work things out. The more that you can get out of your head, the better. It really helps you to work it out. There was also something about seeing it on paper that really had me reflect on things.

I also started doing daily affirmations every single morning. I would look in the mirror and say, I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am worthy of love, money is attracted to me, money is abundant in my life, love is abundant in my love and success is attracted to me. And so on. I was surprised how much it changed my thinking. I started to look at everything differently, including myself. You will be surprised how much change you will see by just doing daily affirmations. It changes your thinking. You will see yourself as powerful, beautiful, worthy.

What I learned from doing just those two things was that no matter what my flaws are, that I am worthy to be treated well. That I shouldn't accept not being made important just because of those flaws. That I deserve to be loved and respected. And that if I wasn't going to be treated how I deserved to be, that I was okay to be alone. Do I want to be single forever? No, I want a relationship. I also know that if I am meant to be single, that I will be okay as well. That I am whole just the way that I am, even though I am single.

You also want to make sure that you have a busy life on your own. A lot of people get into relationships just because they are lonely. That is never a good idea. Get hobbies, side hustles, ways to spend your time. That way if you meet someone then you can fit them in your life, but that you will also be happy on your own if that is what is meant to be.

I won't say that I am healed yet, but I do think that I am on my way. What I do know is that no matter who you are, what your flaws are, that you deserve to be respected and loved. That you are worthy, beautiful and strong.

-T