What Are You Doing?

by Kelsey Paulina 4 months ago in happiness

Countdown: 22 days.

What Are You Doing?

I went to bed at 7 PM last night, swaddled in an uncomfortable blanket of self-doubt and systemic claustrophobia. I knew I wouldn't get any rest like this, so I popped an Ativan and scrolled through pages and pages of beautiful vintage dresses that I can't afford until I grew weary and passed out.

I woke up this morning in the middle of a horrendous dream where I had pulled what resembled an unraveled paperclip out of my left big toe. After removing this obstruction, cloudy, orange-tinged blood evacuated my body through this small hole as I held my hands cupped together underneath my foot to catch as much of it as I could, but my hands overflowed and the infected substance started to waterfall over the sides of my thumbs, dripping onto the kitchen floor, seeping deep into the grout between the ceramic tiles.

I have a feeling that this is only the beginning stage of how this terrible internal war will come to express itself as I count down the days until I take that seemingly uncharacteristic leap of faith into excitement and uncertainty.

It sure doesn't help that I feel like I can't tell anyone about it.

You see, yesterday I was overcome with fear and anxiety about letting my plans become public information, but I knew that there were a few key characters in my life that I should be honest with about my future endeavors. In order to avoid receiving a hot, steamy pile of rage and betrayal-driven conflict, I tried to tell a couple of people about my plans yesterday, and unsurprisingly, these people reacted exactly how I thought they would.

One of these people immediately responded with overwhelming support, demonstrating faith in me and my decision-making, and although they acknowledged that my decision was not particularly favourable for them, they understood that it was something that I felt needed to be done for myself to genuinely find happiness and fulfillment. I knew that this person would be the most supportive, least judgmental, and least likely to take my choices personally or make the conversation about themselves, which is why I chose them as the first person to divulge this information to.

Unfortunately, the second person I attempted to share my future plans with made it so difficult for me to articulate the words that I still haven't actually given them the complete truth about what's to come. In fact, they were so butthurt about considering the possibility that what I am planning on doing could actually happen, that they have taken to completely ghosting me. I knew that trying to tell this person about my situation would not end well, but I did not expect them to cut me off before I even got to the point I was trying to make. This is exactly why I am not looking forward to sharing this information with anyone, and it appears that I am already struggling with negative feelings as a result of actual reactions I've experienced in conjunction with my anticipated reactions of others.

I am afraid of getting buried in an avalanche of confrontation. I am afraid that this beautiful thing that I am so, genuinely excited to do, is going to become tarnished and dull by the rocks thrown out of rage, by the buttery layer of guilt slathered upon me, and worst of all, by having this illustrious dream of mine adopted by everyone else and raised to be an angsty, resentful lump of packed ash and tangled hair.

I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. So for now, I will stay quiet. I can only hope that they will forgive me for this later.

happiness
Kelsey Paulina
Kelsey Paulina
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Kelsey Paulina

Strange. Unique. Rationally nonsensical. 

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